A useless title

Im sorry you guys for not having any post in a long time now, ive been just way to busy with homework to even do this. So I just watched Thor and boy is that a great movie! Its so weird on the things i pick up from the movie. More about relationships. I really want to be with someone that truly cares for me. Sure it may sound stubborn and ignorant but its true. I really dislike the single life a lot. Sure many say that the single life is the best life to have, but for me it really isn't. The best time for me in life is when i am with someone. It just makes me feel like someone actually does care for me and Im not the only person here that feels like an outcast and that no one even cares enough at all. It was so weird, there was a week not to long ago where seriously all the news feed on facebook was about so and so in a relationship and that was all i saw on facebook for that whole day. What, was it like go and ask someone out day or something?

I feel like i am horrible at writing these ideas that depress me out. I just dont know what to write at all and no idea how to express it. Sadly, i am still sad as usual, so maybe there is no "sadly" School, i just dont really care for it anymore. Oh! I finally beat Amber and remember the "I love you more than you'll ever love me" statement  before she did for once so thats a plus. Even though obviously i love her more :P (shhh  dont tell her because she doesnt know this) Well im still failing math as usual. Mdawg and I have been talking less and less but nothing i think i should be concerned(<-- i just spent about five minutes trying to figure out how to spell that word out >.<) about ... hopefully.

Life for me well its hit another rough spot again but this one is like sandpaper rough. I just cannot seem to do anything right. I cant seem to get a girl, i cant pass my math class, and worse yet, i seem to be failing at life again. Nothing seems to be going the right way at all. I know i should be looking at this thinking about how God puts things in my path to better me, but its so hard when nothing goes the way i wanted it to go. I just so sick of it that sometimes the only thing that can be thought is harm. harm. in a way that just isn;t for me. Sure everyone says go to your friends and they can help you. But i ask myself, who really are my friends anymore and whos there because they want me to think that were still friends even though, its obvious that we aren't. Most of the time I dont have friends at all. It just may seem like it but there are those days i know that io have no friends left. I am just a loser that didn't go to high school correctly. A loser that sits at home and watches movies by himself. A loser.

Well...till next time
Steven

walking away?

Wow, its been a week since i last did a post. Then again I did do four post last time. I really do not remember much through out the week. Just traded in some games and got some money to buy new games. Then Saturday came and I don't know, things just changed. Like i said before, i just do not feel like i belong with the group. I have pretty much implemented. I feel like I'm slowly losing friends. Just all the people I used to talk to, i just dont even say hi to them anymore. Slowly im just walking away from the things that i loved, the people that i loved. I wished that i wouldn't be doing this and i dont know why im doing it. Everyone around me seems to be moving on while im still in the past. Wow sorry, i was going to talk about Saturday but i got sidetracked. I went to valleyscare with some people.  It started off as an ok night. But still it got me thinking about things. ML, i just dont know about her. At times i like her but at times being friends is all that i want to be. Then again i have been getting hints that she just likes me as a friend so i shouldn't probably just stop trying. Then K, well lucky for SG he got one fine girl and he is one lucky dude. I really dont even want to talk to her anymore, like it was said before. She only talks to people she finds important and obviously i am not one of them. So whats the point to even try anymore? There is none when the person you find important doesnt even care about you at all. AD was probably the most caring of the night but i really didn't wanna talk about it at that moment so i jsut didn't say anything. There was just way to much on my mind that i was scared that if i told her, i might say something that i would regret later. Still again, i am depressed and still i have no idea to overcome this. Everything seems to be getting worse again. So as i read what i just wrote, i have no idea what it was but hopefully it makes sense to you guys?

still confused >.<
 Steven

Unfriend you

This song by Greyson Chance says all

I really thought you were the one
It was over before it begun
It's so hard for me to walk away
But I know I can't stay

You're beautiful and crazy too
Maybe that's why I fell into you
Even though you would pretend to be
You were never with me

So it's over yeah we're through, so I'm a unfriend you
You're the best liar ever knew, so I'll unfriend you
Cause I should have known, right from the start
I'm deleting you right from my heart
Yeah it's over, my last move is to unfriend you

I thought in time that you could change
And my time and love would heal the pain
And I didn't want this day to come
But now all I feel is numb

So it's over yeah we're through, so I'm a unfriend you
You're the best liar ever knew, so I'm a unfriend you
Cause I should have known, right from the start
I'm deleting you right from my heart
Yeah it's over, my last move is to unfriend you

You come on to everybody
Everybody all the time
You give up to anybody
What I thought was only mine

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oooooooh

So it's over yeah we're through, so I'm a unfriend you
You're the best I ever knew, so I'm a unfriend you
'Cause I should have known, right from the start
That you didn't have a human heart
Yeah it's over my last move is to unfriend you
Unfriend you

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Woah ohh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
So I'm a unfriend you
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
So I'm a unfriend you 

Q and A uno

Meili ask: What makes men so stupid sometimes?

Hmm good question. I would say that a lot of times guys do stupid things to impress our guys friends and try to out do the other. When it comes to girls, guys do even more stupid thing. A lot of guys just don't really think with their heads but with their eyes and when they see a "hot" chick, they go after them and get themselves into a relationship but as soon as the girl isn't looking the guy see another "hot" chick and dumps her for the new one. If you have ever seen the movie "Never Back Down 2" its just like the famous boxer guy. He does the exact same thing. They think with their eyes and not their heads.
But even though men are stupid, women are just the same but instead of owning up to their stupid stunt they did, they just use the "Oh im on my time of the month" excuse. Just because your emotionally deprived doesn't mean you have to go tell the world about it. They do not need to hear about every little thing that happened to you and usually no one cares either. So just saying that men are stupid isn't really cutting to the point.
Sure men do lots of stupid things but sometimes we do stupid things because of how annoying the girls are at times. But other times we just dont think

Hopefully this helps a little bit
Steven

Totem Pole Ranking system :P

The totem pole. As you can see the picture on the right is a totem pole and my friend and I have a joke about the totem pole. It was a ranking system on the totem pole. The nicer you were the higher up you would be. Well i would always make fun of her and i kept going further and further down the totem pole. So far in the ground that it was almost impossible to go back up. So thats my random post of the day (:

Talk to you all soon
Steven

Depression

It seems as though everyone around me is dating and im the only one that is not. Everywhere i turn i see couples left and right. Either they are in a relationship now or they are talking about being in one. For example AE and KP have been in a relationship for a while now then theres AO and EP are also in a relationship. To the left i get another relationship and to the right another one. It just makes me feel so lonely and out there. its like i dont deserve to be with anyone. Just recently one of my best friend just got into a relationship too (MW and AH). It just everywhere people are dating. and here i am in this world as a lonely person with no one to hug or to be with or comfort. I was just meant to be alone. Probably thinking that i like someone too right? and yeah i do, but sadly that person like another person as well. So just bad luck for me.
Every time i see the couples, i just get jealous inside of them. I never really was a type that liked the single life I always really liked to be able to be with someone i care about a lot. Someone to love and say that she is yours without anyone arguing about that. One of my problem is depression and and feeling lonely seems to be a big part of it i can tell. When i am with someone i actually don't get too depressed or even depressed for a long time. But without someone i seem to be depressed almost everyday and every night..

My depression started by in 5th grade, no one ever knew about this problem i had. Fifth grade was a hard time for me moving and all. I had to start making new friends and i wasn't good at it so making friends was a hard thing to do for me. Missing everything i had in my old life was what started. it wasn't until freshman year the i started to get depressions again. Before that i did not really have to worry about anything. In 9th grade I dated 2 people that i probably will get to again. The first one i dated was AE and she was pretty cool but we didn't last too long. Then it was KJ, oh wow this initial didn't really work here. Anyways KJ was next and i pretty much made the worse i mean WORSE decision ive really ever made in my life and i always wish for a second chance but second chances are earned and not just given so probably i have never earned another chance and because of that, it stuck up my depression once again. Then junior year hit and well pretty much all of that year and over that summer was the worse. They almost wasn't a single day when i wasn't depressed or thinking about things that made me depressed. Since then its been getting better. im still depressed now and then but it's not as worse as junior year. I dont know, depression has just been a huge part of my life now and i just dont know what to do to get rid of it

Well talk to yah later
Steven

poem

bucket full of tears

boy know im here 

im here waiting

just close ur precious eyes

and just realize 

im still fighting

for you to be with me

sit under this tree

and we can watch the sunrise

wake up feel the air that im breathin

i cant explain this feeling that im feelin

i wont go another day without you

hold on i promise its gets brighter

when it rains i'll hold you even tighterr

i wont go another day without you

i know your feelin down 

like no ones around

but baby your wrong

just get rid of the fear

promise that im here

i'll never be gone

so baby come with me

we can fly away and we can see the

stars shine

and baby you can be my love

this is me tonight

no more games and no more lies

and i know its right

cuz of the way you look into my eyes

and when i hold you tight

the worries dissapear im glad ur in my life

Lots of thoughts

So here I am once again at a friends house... Sitting in the same spot I usually sit. Today has been a very interesting day to say the least. Even though I went to school today, it didn't really seem Ike it at all. After class I hung out at schmitty house and another friend and we pretty much played a bunch of games. After that I had to head out and pick up M. to go to a birthday party. Anyways we head to the birthday party and it was pretty chill. I was able to flip and then 5 of us laid on the tramp and just talk and had fun. It was just a very nice night to say the least. Maybe my crush for 5 years is over. I feel as though it's like that. I just pretty much gave up right before homecoming. I was going to ask her to the dance but idk something inside me told me not to. Oy I mean I still like her but there no way anything can happen between us ever again. It was a one time thing and I blew it. I just have to learn to move on but that's always the hardest thing to do. Anyways on another note M and I have been hanging out a little bit more(: and that's pretty cool to say the least. So after the birthday party we all head to another friends house to chill for a little bit and we watched a movie well half a movie before we had to leave.

Sure it was a great night but I just wonder sometimes why I am friends with who I'm friends with sometimes. A lot of times I feel like I just don't belong with them. They all bonded so well together and well I just drifted away to college leaving them all behind. Sure it's my fault but I try to stay friends with them but it seems like they are pushing me away. It's days like these I wonder who my friends really are.
As far as I know so far and what's really happened, I feel like I only have one best friends and a couple good friends. The one best friend is pretty amazing I gotta say, just like in the last blog she done amazing things. Like for instant, she really taught me how to be a better friend then I ever were before. And her stories, sure they help me with depression but they also help me get my mind off things. She makes my days better in a week than most people do in a year. She just amazing to say to the least. (:

Anyways tonight will be interesting as well as I'm driving M to another birthday party and I'm broke this time with no presents -_- you know I kind of like this girl. She pretty cool. Well hopefully a good night tonight

Talk to y'all soon
Steven

Hugs

Hugs, the joy of hugs. Hug are just so powerful. They are symbols of forgiveness. They always are what you do when your super excited. Hugs even show that you miss you someone or just to symbolize love of someone. Hugs are amazing.
For me, hugs usually make my day a little better.

So if you ever see me even if you don't know me to well just give me a hug (:

Texting and people.

So today I wanted to talk to you guys about people. Just people in general and how I feel about things.

First off, I text a LOT but there is really only one person I end up texting now. Nope sorry no names here but she may not know this( but she probably does) but she is amazing in every way. She has helped me so much over the past two years, I think, and then she helped me more with things she didn't even know she was helping me with. That is how amazing she is. Whenever I need to go talk to someone about something urgent, I always turn to her because I can rely on her answering the text and for her to be there listening. And if she doesn't that fine, we usually end up finding a time to do it. In the end I pretty much owe my life to her because without her, I wouldn't be where I am today, still kinda depressed in a way but nothing as bad as it used to be.
Answering a text is pretty important sometimes, when you need to get a hold of someone texting just see to be the way to go unless it's an emergency then obviously you call them. But like me, what if I want to talk to someone about something that seems important in my life that cause be very life threating or life changing and the person i want to talk to about this doesn't answer their text. Thats pretty lame -_- Don't you agree? I have just come to a point in my life where if you wanna talk to me then you will find a way to get a hold of me. I always have my phone with me and if you ever need anything I'm there for yah. Sure maybe they just don't respond one or twice that you text them but what if you text them numerous times and they don't answer back. It makes you feel pretty lame in that you were thinking about them wanting to talk to them but were they doing the same? Nope they didn't even care enough to send a simple text saying "Hi(:" or "heyy" back and they constantly ignore all the text you send them in the future. Well if people do that, they can have fun by themselves without me because whats the point of being friends with someone that just doesn't even care enough to talk back to you?
So yeah guys, that my take on texting and people (:

Homecoming...Part 2

Boy, what have I done now? So I got this job at Vector Marketingselling Cutco knives. All I have to say is that is the worst job possible. Itis super degrading and tomorrow I will be quitting that job. Anyways, i figuredsince the other post really had nothing to do with homecoming that i dedicatethis one to more of that. So homecoming seemed like a big deal at the highschool. They had the x games come out for us to see and then they had a bandplay. Both which i was not a part of. Then came the game, even though we won48-14, it was a pretty boring game overall. The one person i really wanted tosee, well she couldn't make it. Oh well. After the game a few of us wentto Perkins and had some food. It was pretty cool. A while later,there seem to be a new table forming and it was the drama kids and some of thepeople from my group decided to straggle over there but i decided toleave early and leave all the drama kids there. They seem to have had a funnight themselves.

That night i started to slowly feel like well, i just don't belonghere anymore. The next day kind of strengthen that feeling as well. Looking around i saw all these people at pictures and how they all seem to be having somuch fun and i thought to myself "wow, all these people and it is like ijust don’t belong with these people anymore" I slowly become more and moreinvisible to people. It's like they don’t care anymore and wouldn't even knowif something happened to me. Slowly become invisible until i vanish leaving notraces of being there anymore, no traces that i was once their friend, someeven their best friend. and now...nothing. At the dance, it felt like thatagain, i seem to go down these paths a lot. depression is just something ipretty much deal with every single day. I don’t think i ever had a day in highschool where i didn't feel depressed. It is just so normal. The dance, well oneperson wanted to dance with but never saw her throughout the dance so icouldn't ask her to dance at all. Sad: / after the dance we went to a friend’shouse to chill for a while, we pretty much watched a movie and played this gamecalled blurt. So that’s pretty much how my weekend went and how you see mythought process goes as i slowly but surely wind the stairs toward depressiononce again

talk to you some other time

Steven

Homecoming and Senior Year

Now looking back on the homecoming dance, I probably would of done something different. Sure it was fun but it could of been better. I thought about asking her to the dance for so long! But as we hung out she said how a bunch of guys asked her already. Still I should of asked. I feel as though she knew about it too and was hinting me to, but I didn't really get the hint at the time..but then again maybe it wasn't a hint at all. But boy I kinda still want her. But Its so weird when I like 3 different people, two of which I dated before and still want to date more. The one person I haven't dated yet, I can't tell how it is. Well it's senior year. My final year with all these people. Then after id never see even again :/ so many people I will miss :( idk how it's going to be without them. I just can't imagine my life without them. They mean so much to me. The girl that Ive know for almost 5 years and knows so much about me and I care so much about her, the swim team!, the girl from sacs who really changed my views on life just to name a few. Man what am I going to do without them! They have made me who I am today. I just love them so much! Seniors 2012 lets live it up like there no tomorrow!(: