Red Lobster

So today has become quiet a boring day. Yesterday I went to red lobster for dinner and it was yummy. Through that I was Texting amber about flirting which then got onto the subject of me liking KJ. You know idk If I like her or not. But like I flirt with her all the time and she does back..that's just how we are though...idk I don't think I like her like that? But like amber said " every other guy likes her so why not you?" i really didn't know how to respond to that at all. After 4 years of liking her I guess i just moved on knowing that there isn't a future for us there.
I've also been accused of pole vaulting just to get back with amber. You know I never thought of it like that before and I can see where people might see that. But I for one,am not doing it just to get back with her. I don't think I could stoop down to that level. I'm doing Vaulting because I want to not because of a girl.
Previously I've mentioned about my depression..well it has gotten worse and worse everyday. I feel so alone everytime I go to the high school... I don't feel like I belong there anymore. Everything is so different and it seems that it better without me. Whenever I with my friends is when i feel the most distant from everyone. They are all leading there lives just fine without me. Everything just seems to boring and nothing seems to be worth living for. It's gotten to a point as to all I was thinking was ending it last night. I mean as far as I know... No one would care and no one would even miss me or even bother to go looking for answers. If I don't find something or someone to live for then I guess this could be It for me. All this stress, this depression, this life... Is it worth it at all?

Feelings for you as always

So today I found out who amber really like, nick. Although I was jealous at first, it's cool now. As long as she happy. But after thinking over the last few weeks I have sadly come to conclude that we wont ever be as close of friend as were before. This conclusion makes me very sad. :( I mean I've tried and tried to get our friendship back on track but instead of going in the right direction torwards best friendship, it goes in the wrong direction towards nothing. And nothing scares me, I don't know if I can live without you in my life, but I feel I might have to soon if it continues the way that it's going. We had one good day on Friday when we went swimming with Morgan and some friends but it seem like it was just a Friday thing. :( I was going to talk to her about prom and maybe ask her to prom as a friend but I don't think it's going to happen anymore :( well sadness and It makes me even more sad (actually almost crying) that I say that we might not even be friends. I can't stand this anymore! I think this is a reason why I'm so depressed lately. It getting so bad at points where I question life and if it's worth to live for and I was on the verge on almost doing it as well. As i write this note I write it in tears. But Ik I have to hold back feelings when I'm in school. But there are those days when I can't handle it. Well I think ima go to sleep. I'll be back Sunday (:

prom thinking...already?!?

Hmm this week was pretty interesting I gotta say. Not only did the week start off boring there was nothing to do. But by the night of Friday things got some much better. All I did was played cod all night before friday hah. Friday I went swimming with some friends but all that matter was amber and Morgan. The other people were boring. Got to see heather and made fun of Kenzie in the process hahaha! Our friendship between amber and I is still pretty interesting. Lots of ups and down. Some days I still that we are just aqaintences still but then days like Friday is where I can see that we can still be best friends again. Maybe it wasn't the right choice going out with her. If we continue like this idk what to do. I miss her a whole lot! :/ and now I wanna ask her to prom(as a friend) but I'm too scared to do it. Urg hopefully things will be resolved soon. Now back to finishing the friendship of amber note

Back to December

So today my alarm was back to December by taylor swift, the only reason why I'm telling you think is because right as I heard it, I thought of amber. The whole song was like our relationship in December. :) but things change but I still do really like her. I found this quote today saying " if to truely love a person, you would help them be happy...even if it is not with you." which is exactly what I follow. And that is how I get through life. As each week goes on and on , I start to feel more and more lonely. The feeling of unwanting. Each and everyweek the feeling gets stronger. I feel as though I don't belong in the high school and I don't even belong at normandale. So im a nobody in both school "/ well there are those times when I wondering if its even worth it.well I'm going to go.finish this note later....maybe (: