1st post of 2013

Looking at back on the past, mistakes were made, happiness happened, friends were made and ultimately life happened. No matter what happened over the year life still went on around me.

Looking at life now, everything has changed from summer. Everyone around me has fallen into a relationship. They have someone special to hold tight. Someone that cares a lot about them and would do anything for them. It just makes me so happy for them but so jealous as well. All I want is to find someone that can be that person. Someone that I can hold and would make my day just so much better. Today I helped my best friend with his relationship. It's so hard to make sure that they are happy sometimes.They have traveled down a bumpy road and trying to just head back to smooth sailings. A bro code was broken in this process. You never try to get the girl on your best friend. You NEVER try to break a relationship up, unless it is harmful to their health. How does one handle this? Who can you trust after this when the best friend is hitting on the girlfriend?

Why does everyone come to me when they have a relationship question? Why is the advice I give so much more powerful then someone else's? It may sound weird but sometimes I wish I was on the other side of this. I just want to be on the side with the relationship fixing problems that I had with her. Making the bond even stronger. Sadly though, I just haven't found the one yet, I thought I did but it wasn't what I expected. People around keep telling me to stop worrying about relationships but to focus on school. How can I focus when all I can think about is this? I hate thinking how lonely I really am. It maybe weird but I do better in school when I have a girlfriend just because then I'm actually happy with myself and able to do other things.

I just realized that all I'm really doing in this post is rambling and rambling on.

Anyways I just wanna cuddle >.< is that so much to ask?

Steven

Happy New Years

First post of the year! I would like to start by saying Happy New Years to everyone out there. May all your dreams, resolutions and wishes be true!

I thought about writing a post reflecting my year but why bother, my life is already written on the pages already.I just continue with the same old stuff. 

Everyone always ask what your new years resolution so for this year I want to be strong, I want to be "fit", I want to make friends that mean everything to me. Finally I want to be less shy to people. These don't seem to hard to do. I don't like making resolution in which I can't do. Why bother? These are the goals that I want to achieve!

So once again Happy New Year, May good fortune be upon you :D 

Steven

Merry Christmas

I just want to post a shout out everyone out there. 



Because Happy Holiday is what the terrorist want you to say :D
Hope everyone out there is having a safe and wonderful Christmas spending with the people they love and the ones that mean the most to them.

Have a great holiday

Steven :)

suicide.

Suicide. The ending of one's life and the beginning of another. This happens when the person can no longer bear the pain of what ever they are going through. Thus choosing the "easy" way out is the only way for them to go. A quick exit from life, no respawn, no redo. But when does the pain ever become enough to point that life cannot be lived once more?

I personally have been down this road. Suicide does not just come out of nowhere. It starts off from one small thing and slowly but surely builds up. For me it started simply because I had to move schools. Transferring schools as a little child can be very tough especially when you transfer into a world between elementary school and middle school. It started as that and then I could not make friends like I wanted to, instead I got the opposite of that. I got myself a bully that would always pick on me because of the color of my skin and the lack of muscle that I had upon my body. This went on for a couple of grades but the bullies, they came and went but as soon as one went, another one would come and pick on me for something else. Around this time my depression started, I was lost in a new school where no one wanted me to be there. A world where I would get picked on. I would come home all scarred and bruised up from getting picked on. 

Things soon got better once middle school came around, I was able to start over and try once more to become friends with people that I wanted to be friends with. Seventh grade happened. By mid semester of that year I was enjoying myself once again without the worries of bullies. I was happy for the first time at school since coming to this city. Seventh grade and 8th grade were interesting years for me and do most middle school kids realize. It had its up and downs. Some days were better than others and sometimes I had a horrible month but it was because of the friends that were there that made it better. 

Everything was going great until the end of 8th grade going into freshman year. One thing lead to another and everything just spiraled out of control for me. First it was the thought of having to move again but this time it wasn't just going to be another city in the state, not even with in the continent but the idea of having to move across the world to the other hemisphere; Australia.  It started as that then my parents started to argue all the time so the mood at home was not always the best to come home to. Since my parents start arguing, I too eventually started to argue with them as well. It could of been something so simple as to go to a friends house for a little bit but then it would get worse and worse. This time I had falling into a depression that was at its worse. Its one thing to be unhappy at school but when you become unhappy with your home life, things start to go downhill. I slowly become more and more unhappy at school and my friends would start to realize this and me as being a person that does not share his emotions to anyone just pushed them away. The more I tried to push them away, the more they would push back and tried to help me. 

At the time when it was at it worse, I would be thinking about suicide day in and day out. One simply thing could end my life. A car going just as fast as you in the opposite way, all I had to do was swerve just a little and there goes. The amount of firearm in the house would be able to easily end my life. It was just so hard to live everyday being depressed and unable to do anything. Nothing was going well. The "depression cloud" soon affect my schooling and the things I liked to do. The only thing it couldn't take was my swimming. Even if I wanted to quit, I wasn't allowed to as no one gave me a choice to quit. 

During this time I met amazing friends that would help me get through this. Three people come to mind whenever this topic ever come up. They tried their hearts out to protect me, to help me, to get through the troubled times. Without the help of them who knows if I would have been here today.

But enough about me and my not so great story, throughout the years I have come to know peole that were like me and have gone through the exact same thing. They soon became my best friends and as I was able to conquer my depression, so were they. We were able to help one another get out something that was so dangerous that if one of us was successful then all of them would have been successful as well. It took the strength of love, the will to go on, friends, and ultimately you knowing that there will be better times that was able to get me out of this.

Hope you are still alive
Steven :)