typical week for me

Well was suppose to hang with amber today but what do yah know, something arises and she cant/ doesn't wanna hang. So what..4th time this has happened. Like I said before and it saddens me to say this but we just weren't meant to hangout. Every single time we try she bails and no hangout. I was really hoping for us to hang but guess not. Im also holding her with That she said that we will hang out before spring break ends...so she has 4 days for us to hang since she gone tues wed and Thursday. But Monday doesn't really count since we have to be together because of the meet. I'm hoping we can hang bit I'm about 70% sure it's not going to happen
Moving on gaby is pretty annoying always talking about Damon and her prego belly, which I don't wanna hear! I just don't really care about it, I mean it's her fault that it happened and I have no interest in helping her( I sound like a bad person now).
Also hung out with KJ and her cousin and that was pretty fun I gotta say. Jami looks so funny with her hair messed up. Also I still didn't get to see her prom dress. :/ oh well that just means that I need to go to prom. But that I am still debating because I do wanna go but then I don't and I don't really feel like going alone either and there no one to go with. I wanna go with amber but she thinks it would be awkward even though it just as friends. And then I wanna go wtb KJ as friends but she waiting on Logan to ask her so oh well with that. Those are the only two people I really want to go to prom with since it would be fin going with them, I can't really think of any one else to go with..beside I kinda wanna go with Morgan or Cassie. Hmm So yeah big dilemma there. Well I have nothing left to talk about in this segment of the note so good night week 13, week 14 hopfully yoi are much better (:

Reflections on meeting a close friend (:

Hmm this note should be interesting..if not it was interesting in my head. I met you back in 9th grade second semester. I still don't know where though, and that bothers me at times. Either we met in gym or some other place.. Oh well Haha. At that time you were just a little girl and I was a not so little guy. I never thought that our friendship would have gone like it did. Our friendship really did go anywhere durin the summer of 9th grade but as 10th grade went on we became really close friends somehow. I think it was because of our friends that we became close. Then summer hit and we got even more close. With all the parties we had, the state fair was really fun top with all the people we saw haha with emily. Never did I thought that I would fall in love with you..but i did and I had a crush on you all summer long and pretty much all of 11th grade. But even as I did, I didn't let it bother our friendship at all. Even as I had this big crush on you and even though I was jealous of the people you liked. I didn't let it get to me and I would still help you in finding your true happiness because that is what a good friend does. As i write this note, it just makes me really sad since I miss the old us and how we used to be."/ I feel as though this semester has gotten is not closer together but farther apart. Thus this brings us into almost the present, the time in which was probably the best and the hardest part of my 11th grade year. From November to January were probably the best months. Even though it was a lot of pondering it was well worth it (: and then the days leading up to December 29. Idk what to say but throughout the month of january were probably the best for me because I was pretty much stress free(: 
After the breakup things were hard at first but soon things became better about it but I still miss her kisses and hugs. But things were not the same afterward. We slowly became more and more apart. It got to be so bad as I couldn't see her without thinking about the old times. I started to skip lunch because I couldn't stop thinking about her and I couldn't look at her without getting depressed. But without seeing her it made me more depressed so I decided to go back to lunch with her and the rest of them. 
As I reflect our friend -> best friend-> to couple -> now I feel as though at times we are just aqaintences and that is what makes me sad "/ as I come to the end of this note I really hope that things between us gets better. But although I really want us back together, I would be fine with us being best friends. As long as I'm with you I am fine with it (:

"if you truly love someone, you want them to ALWAYS be happy, even if it's not with you."

Rollercoaster!...of love

So today.. Yet another boring day. Found out some things that may bring challenges up ahead. Well first off amber heading to Duluth and then north Dakota. But as I think about it again..our days not talking ended a while ago. We went on for about a year, year and a half without a single day not talking to each other, but that record is over now....sadly. But now me and Madison have a record too but it's only a couple months haha. But that soon will be gone as well as she heading to Mexico. So yesterday I learned a little more about Madison and we found out that we both know amber equally neither knows her better. Also I made plans to hang out with amber next weekend but as I am aware the last time we made plans to hang out..well that's we did was made plans. None of it even happened so hopefully this time it will actually follow through and happen or I'll be disappointed once again... Hmm we also talked about prom and offered to go with her as friends but she refute the offer. Oh well..I tried. I mean yes I do wanna go to prom with her but when she makes a decision she sticks with it and nothing ever changes her mind. So yeah I tried and it did not happen. Well there always next year..if I stay friends with her that is... Every day is like a roller coaster for our friendship. Some days are still amazing while other days are not. There will be days in which our friendship prosper and then they will be those days in which there is no friendship even found. But hopefully this roller coaster can keep going up instead of up and down and up and down because the stress of it is starting to get to me. Oh speaking of stress I am getting really close to burst on someone. People theses day are starting to piss me off more and more. So if I don't have a vent sesh with Madison..or someone very soon I think I might just burst on them. So yep week 12 ...you are done hopefully this next week will be better mentally because I just can't take it anymore..I just might have to do the permenant answer to the temporary problem.

Red Lobster

So today has become quiet a boring day. Yesterday I went to red lobster for dinner and it was yummy. Through that I was Texting amber about flirting which then got onto the subject of me liking KJ. You know idk If I like her or not. But like I flirt with her all the time and she does back..that's just how we are though...idk I don't think I like her like that? But like amber said " every other guy likes her so why not you?" i really didn't know how to respond to that at all. After 4 years of liking her I guess i just moved on knowing that there isn't a future for us there.
I've also been accused of pole vaulting just to get back with amber. You know I never thought of it like that before and I can see where people might see that. But I for one,am not doing it just to get back with her. I don't think I could stoop down to that level. I'm doing Vaulting because I want to not because of a girl.
Previously I've mentioned about my depression..well it has gotten worse and worse everyday. I feel so alone everytime I go to the high school... I don't feel like I belong there anymore. Everything is so different and it seems that it better without me. Whenever I with my friends is when i feel the most distant from everyone. They are all leading there lives just fine without me. Everything just seems to boring and nothing seems to be worth living for. It's gotten to a point as to all I was thinking was ending it last night. I mean as far as I know... No one would care and no one would even miss me or even bother to go looking for answers. If I don't find something or someone to live for then I guess this could be It for me. All this stress, this depression, this life... Is it worth it at all?

Feelings for you as always

So today I found out who amber really like, nick. Although I was jealous at first, it's cool now. As long as she happy. But after thinking over the last few weeks I have sadly come to conclude that we wont ever be as close of friend as were before. This conclusion makes me very sad. :( I mean I've tried and tried to get our friendship back on track but instead of going in the right direction torwards best friendship, it goes in the wrong direction towards nothing. And nothing scares me, I don't know if I can live without you in my life, but I feel I might have to soon if it continues the way that it's going. We had one good day on Friday when we went swimming with Morgan and some friends but it seem like it was just a Friday thing. :( I was going to talk to her about prom and maybe ask her to prom as a friend but I don't think it's going to happen anymore :( well sadness and It makes me even more sad (actually almost crying) that I say that we might not even be friends. I can't stand this anymore! I think this is a reason why I'm so depressed lately. It getting so bad at points where I question life and if it's worth to live for and I was on the verge on almost doing it as well. As i write this note I write it in tears. But Ik I have to hold back feelings when I'm in school. But there are those days when I can't handle it. Well I think ima go to sleep. I'll be back Sunday (:

prom thinking...already?!?

Hmm this week was pretty interesting I gotta say. Not only did the week start off boring there was nothing to do. But by the night of Friday things got some much better. All I did was played cod all night before friday hah. Friday I went swimming with some friends but all that matter was amber and Morgan. The other people were boring. Got to see heather and made fun of Kenzie in the process hahaha! Our friendship between amber and I is still pretty interesting. Lots of ups and down. Some days I still that we are just aqaintences still but then days like Friday is where I can see that we can still be best friends again. Maybe it wasn't the right choice going out with her. If we continue like this idk what to do. I miss her a whole lot! :/ and now I wanna ask her to prom(as a friend) but I'm too scared to do it. Urg hopefully things will be resolved soon. Now back to finishing the friendship of amber note

Back to December

So today my alarm was back to December by taylor swift, the only reason why I'm telling you think is because right as I heard it, I thought of amber. The whole song was like our relationship in December. :) but things change but I still do really like her. I found this quote today saying " if to truely love a person, you would help them be happy...even if it is not with you." which is exactly what I follow. And that is how I get through life. As each week goes on and on , I start to feel more and more lonely. The feeling of unwanting. Each and everyweek the feeling gets stronger. I feel as though I don't belong in the high school and I don't even belong at normandale. So im a nobody in both school "/ well there are those times when I wondering if its even worth it.well I'm going to go.finish this note later....maybe (: