Blah!!

So I decided to tell the person i like how i really feel about them. Now its probably time for me to move on. By moving on it might be to not do anything with school anymore. Just might quit choir and stop going to lunch. and seeing people. Moving on, this could be the hardest thing for me to do. Since all she wants is to be friends and to not hurt me, then maybe i really should stop trying. Well its going to a tough rest of the year but hopefully things will get better soon.

Blah!

All i want for chirstmas is someone that loves me

So today was a pretty great day. We played water polo with the alumni group and then i did some chores that had to be done. I even got a present for a special someone. Later that night i went bowling with that person and some other friends. Little did i know she was with someone else ... yeah...thats great. Well im back to my normal self again. All boring and down in the slums. Then again i haven't really left that area for a very long time. Now i feel stupid because i really thought i had a chance again. Debating if i should really even try or just give up forever. Giving up, losing hope, lost my ways. Thats how i feel. I just really wish someone could help me, help me with this. Help me get back on my feet. :/

Chicken >.<

So, I don't know how to say this but... Yeah exactly I have no idea what to say. I enjoy being around you so much and I really wanna go out with you again but I'm too scared to make a move...again. I feel like you feel that we are meant to be friends and that's it nothing more nothing less. And that's all we will be. But I want more, I want to be together with you. Yeah I know I'm a chicken and thats probably the reason that I never will have a chance again but you know what. I really like you and I don't wanna ruin our friendship again so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place ;/

you

I saw you
I liked you
I went for you
I dated you
I screwed up
Now everyday i wonder what could of been
I saw you
I really like you
Everyday i wonder if it will be again

Memories

Welcome to the three day week ahead for me at school then to Thanksgiving. Today i decided to clean out my itunes and get rid of songs i dont listen to anymore. in the process of doing that i listened to them one last time before i deleted it and boy each song had so much memory. There was one song where it played just the first note of the song and a memory appeared in my head. It makes me sad knowing that it really is senior year. So many of my friends i will never see again. So many of them that i loved will never be with me anymore. Its time to move on but yet im so scared to.

Freshman year: This was a defining year for me. So many times really happened that year. I really dont know why but i dated a couple of people that year. Started off the year with a person i dated 3 other times but this time it was the final time. Even though things happened we still are able to be best friends. Later in the year i dated another girl. Its really sad but i still remember what she was wearing on that day. We didn't last long because i was stupid and a typical guy. I wasn't thinking about the consequences of what had happened. Yet to this very day i still regret what i did and still wonder what could of been. Yet also still to do this day your parents still give me crap about it and still to this very day i try to fix what i did and hope for another chance but yet i know that i probably will never get one again and i get it because of what i had done and how much i hurt you. 

After her, it was another girl. She was one pretty cool chick and she came from SACS. I truly did love her a lot but things happened, events happened and i just truly could not continue anymore. She was a great chick. Nowadays we are pretty much just slighty friends but not really. I look back on it at times and really feel sorry for being a dick to you. But at the time it just had to be done. 

After sophomore year I went pretty down-low on the whole dating scene and have only dated one person since then. It was really only a month long but it was fun. There really isn't much to say because there really isn't anything i regret. We knew it could happen and it did and oh well. 

Still chasing for the one person 

Steven 

My weekend thoughts

It's so weird to think that just a month from now we will be half way through the school year, half way through your senior year, half way to finishing up the school. The final year to see everyone, to make friends that will be there for you in the long run. Last week was pretty interesting to say the least. Started off having some people over. Then went to Han's birthday "party" at the mall. That was really fun to say the least. Met a new person while i was there, her name, Janine and she is an interesting character and really fun to talk to. Also there, i found out that i was squishy? That is such a lie! I am not squishy at all. >.< I like my fat on me. I know this is getting off topic, but im watching glee right now on Hulu. It's the episode where they have a "leprechaun" on it. Britney was into believing that there was one, but he was a new student at the school and everyone was making fun of him. It so weird that even on Glee, i can relate to the things that are going on in my life in a non literal way. Anyways back to what i was saying earlier. I have fat and not squish. :P It is just so weird that i can bond with these people who are from my age to five years younger than me better than i can bond with some of my friends now. I feel as though when i said earlier about it being he final year to see everyone and make the friends that will last a lifetime, that i really wont have any of that. I just really fail right now at making and keeping friends. Maybe it's because I'm going to a different school, but maybe I think that im just a horrible person. People just don't wanna be around me anymore. Sometimes i can see it, channeling their hatred of me into me, while others just talk bad. Sure i really don't care what others think but maybe, im just going to leave my life alone and away from others. Maybe that's the way it should be. I just do not know anymore.

Swimming!

FREESTYLE

Oh yes, let us begin with the aquatic F-word, freestyle. Truly a dull and unimaginative stroke. Left arm, right arm, left kick, right kick. We detect a pattern here. What kind of person finds intellectual stimulation in this sort of repetition? Clomp, clomp, clomp. Freestyle is an elephant's stroke, all apologies to elephants. It is a stroke for people who stop at yellow lights and excel at algebra. Informal polling has led us to conclude that, to a person, freestylers prefer Windows to Macintosh, Kenny G to Miles Davis and day to night. Coaches wanting to see eyes literally bug out of sockets need only move a freestyler to the breaststroke lane. Yes, Virginia, there is more to life than catch-up drills and flutter kick. 

Breaststroker's recommendation: Use this stroke for warmups only. 



BACKSTROKE

We have many questions to ask of the world's backstrokers. First, what is the matter with you? That's right, you heard us. What is your problem? Do you not realize that you are upside down? Does light not shine in your sinister eyes? Are you reptiles with a second pair of eyelids, opaque in nature, that protect you from the sun's rays? Speaking of eyes, what about the ones in the backs of your heads, allowing you to spot the wall? Is it true that you can see through Speedos? And what of your start...crouched in front of the blocks as if praying to your "god." Who sent you to Earth? What have you done with Elvis? And why, when you grab at our private parts in practice, do you pretend that it is an accident? 

Breaststroker's recommendation: Skip this one altogether; it is wholly unnatural. 



BUTTERFLY

Good Lord. When will this most violent of strokes be committed to an insane asylum? With a recovery that emphasizes arms oustretched and hurling dangerously through the air, we wonder how many more breaststrokers have to be smacked across the face by an errant flier's paw before this experiment gone awry is canceled. Butterfly is a bad seed, borne out of breaststroke and mistakenly given its own place in the medley relay. The loud uncle of swimming, butterfly boorishly hogs the remote control, making all the other strokes watch football on Thanksgiving Day. We cannot help but think that witnessing butterfly is like babysitting a spoiled child who constantly screams, "look at me!" 

Enough, butterfliers, enough. It's time to grow up. You are making a scene. You are hereby grounded to your room, where you shall consume copious amounts of Ritalin and think about the turbulent waves your savage dolphin kicking has caused decent, hardworking breaststrokers. 

Breaststroker's recommendation: Swim only if you want to scare little kids out of your lane. 



BREASTSTROKE

Breaststroke is all that is noble and good in this cruel world. Many deities, including God, Allah, and John F Kennedy Jr, enjoy the solitude of this most subtle of strokes. Unlike its neanderthal brethren, breaststroke has refined tastes. It reads the New Yorker and paints abtracts with oil. It hates both Demi Moore movies and the first half and last fourth of the IM. Breaststroke, we suspect, enjoys a martini now and again. (Contrast this with the alcoholic butterfly, which pounds Budweisers from cans, shoplifted from a 7-11). It soothes the inner beast and acts as a gentle tonic on a troubled heart. In fact, whenever we use our upgrade coupons to fly first class, just thinking about breaststroke drowns out the moaning of the rabble back in coach. 

Breaststroke, you see, is in harmony with the universe; its pull and kick chase one another in playful symmetry. And if that weren't enough, breaststroke also boasts the crown jewel of competitive swimming, the pulldown. Comprised of a long sinewy pull followed by a spry frog kick, the pulldown is a holy moment of shrouded watery silence. Breaststrokers go to chapel during the pulldown, (often giving thanks that they are not backstrokers), and break to the surface only when their brave lungs are nearly burst. We have yet to see the fishkick or streamline that invokes such spiritual repose. Breaststroke is Yin and Yang, Rum and Coke, and the Captain and Tennille. Man does not go to breaststroke, man waits for breaststroke to come to him. Amen, brothers and sisters. 

Breaststroker's recommendation: Join us.

Complainers and whip

What a week it was and its only tuesday night! First off yesterday was Halloween and i went trick or treating for the last time as a child. It was so fun, best halloween ever (: Second thing i need to address is the woman. Sure i may like you, but you can only whip me so much. After that, its gets annoying and its not too pretty >.< No matter how much i like a person, they will never be able to whip me at all. You go down that road and it may be the end for you. Sure, you ask for most things and ill probably do it depending on the situation. Most of the times its cool and ill be able to handle it but there that few percentage where its just nagging. That leads me to my next point, people that complain! URG! Everyone complains but when you complain about every single thing, whats the point of that. Everyday you complain about your boyfriend, how stupid your life is, how rough your life is and how you cannot stand school lunch. Dont even look at me with that face if your going to complain about your life because i have come to a point where i do not even care anymore and i just wanna smack you. If everyday you complain about how gross the school lunch is, even though it is not even that bad, then stop getting school lunch and get lunch from home! No one forces you to get lunch at school. So why dont you get off your lazy bum and make your lunch before coming to school. Complaining from you gets really old and no one cares anymore about it. Speaking of no one caring, people like to talk up their ass. If i look at you and i look bored, please dont say i look tired because you just talk about the same subject for the past 10 minutes by yourself and no one has responded to your conversation and many just ignored it. Blah today was just a mess up day for me. -_-

Signing out

Steven 

A useless title

Im sorry you guys for not having any post in a long time now, ive been just way to busy with homework to even do this. So I just watched Thor and boy is that a great movie! Its so weird on the things i pick up from the movie. More about relationships. I really want to be with someone that truly cares for me. Sure it may sound stubborn and ignorant but its true. I really dislike the single life a lot. Sure many say that the single life is the best life to have, but for me it really isn't. The best time for me in life is when i am with someone. It just makes me feel like someone actually does care for me and Im not the only person here that feels like an outcast and that no one even cares enough at all. It was so weird, there was a week not to long ago where seriously all the news feed on facebook was about so and so in a relationship and that was all i saw on facebook for that whole day. What, was it like go and ask someone out day or something?

I feel like i am horrible at writing these ideas that depress me out. I just dont know what to write at all and no idea how to express it. Sadly, i am still sad as usual, so maybe there is no "sadly" School, i just dont really care for it anymore. Oh! I finally beat Amber and remember the "I love you more than you'll ever love me" statement  before she did for once so thats a plus. Even though obviously i love her more :P (shhh  dont tell her because she doesnt know this) Well im still failing math as usual. Mdawg and I have been talking less and less but nothing i think i should be concerned(<-- i just spent about five minutes trying to figure out how to spell that word out >.<) about ... hopefully.

Life for me well its hit another rough spot again but this one is like sandpaper rough. I just cannot seem to do anything right. I cant seem to get a girl, i cant pass my math class, and worse yet, i seem to be failing at life again. Nothing seems to be going the right way at all. I know i should be looking at this thinking about how God puts things in my path to better me, but its so hard when nothing goes the way i wanted it to go. I just so sick of it that sometimes the only thing that can be thought is harm. harm. in a way that just isn;t for me. Sure everyone says go to your friends and they can help you. But i ask myself, who really are my friends anymore and whos there because they want me to think that were still friends even though, its obvious that we aren't. Most of the time I dont have friends at all. It just may seem like it but there are those days i know that io have no friends left. I am just a loser that didn't go to high school correctly. A loser that sits at home and watches movies by himself. A loser.

Well...till next time
Steven

walking away?

Wow, its been a week since i last did a post. Then again I did do four post last time. I really do not remember much through out the week. Just traded in some games and got some money to buy new games. Then Saturday came and I don't know, things just changed. Like i said before, i just do not feel like i belong with the group. I have pretty much implemented. I feel like I'm slowly losing friends. Just all the people I used to talk to, i just dont even say hi to them anymore. Slowly im just walking away from the things that i loved, the people that i loved. I wished that i wouldn't be doing this and i dont know why im doing it. Everyone around me seems to be moving on while im still in the past. Wow sorry, i was going to talk about Saturday but i got sidetracked. I went to valleyscare with some people.  It started off as an ok night. But still it got me thinking about things. ML, i just dont know about her. At times i like her but at times being friends is all that i want to be. Then again i have been getting hints that she just likes me as a friend so i shouldn't probably just stop trying. Then K, well lucky for SG he got one fine girl and he is one lucky dude. I really dont even want to talk to her anymore, like it was said before. She only talks to people she finds important and obviously i am not one of them. So whats the point to even try anymore? There is none when the person you find important doesnt even care about you at all. AD was probably the most caring of the night but i really didn't wanna talk about it at that moment so i jsut didn't say anything. There was just way to much on my mind that i was scared that if i told her, i might say something that i would regret later. Still again, i am depressed and still i have no idea to overcome this. Everything seems to be getting worse again. So as i read what i just wrote, i have no idea what it was but hopefully it makes sense to you guys?

still confused >.<
 Steven

Unfriend you

This song by Greyson Chance says all

I really thought you were the one
It was over before it begun
It's so hard for me to walk away
But I know I can't stay

You're beautiful and crazy too
Maybe that's why I fell into you
Even though you would pretend to be
You were never with me

So it's over yeah we're through, so I'm a unfriend you
You're the best liar ever knew, so I'll unfriend you
Cause I should have known, right from the start
I'm deleting you right from my heart
Yeah it's over, my last move is to unfriend you

I thought in time that you could change
And my time and love would heal the pain
And I didn't want this day to come
But now all I feel is numb

So it's over yeah we're through, so I'm a unfriend you
You're the best liar ever knew, so I'm a unfriend you
Cause I should have known, right from the start
I'm deleting you right from my heart
Yeah it's over, my last move is to unfriend you

You come on to everybody
Everybody all the time
You give up to anybody
What I thought was only mine

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oooooooh

So it's over yeah we're through, so I'm a unfriend you
You're the best I ever knew, so I'm a unfriend you
'Cause I should have known, right from the start
That you didn't have a human heart
Yeah it's over my last move is to unfriend you
Unfriend you

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Woah ohh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
So I'm a unfriend you
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
So I'm a unfriend you 

Q and A uno

Meili ask: What makes men so stupid sometimes?

Hmm good question. I would say that a lot of times guys do stupid things to impress our guys friends and try to out do the other. When it comes to girls, guys do even more stupid thing. A lot of guys just don't really think with their heads but with their eyes and when they see a "hot" chick, they go after them and get themselves into a relationship but as soon as the girl isn't looking the guy see another "hot" chick and dumps her for the new one. If you have ever seen the movie "Never Back Down 2" its just like the famous boxer guy. He does the exact same thing. They think with their eyes and not their heads.
But even though men are stupid, women are just the same but instead of owning up to their stupid stunt they did, they just use the "Oh im on my time of the month" excuse. Just because your emotionally deprived doesn't mean you have to go tell the world about it. They do not need to hear about every little thing that happened to you and usually no one cares either. So just saying that men are stupid isn't really cutting to the point.
Sure men do lots of stupid things but sometimes we do stupid things because of how annoying the girls are at times. But other times we just dont think

Hopefully this helps a little bit
Steven

Totem Pole Ranking system :P

The totem pole. As you can see the picture on the right is a totem pole and my friend and I have a joke about the totem pole. It was a ranking system on the totem pole. The nicer you were the higher up you would be. Well i would always make fun of her and i kept going further and further down the totem pole. So far in the ground that it was almost impossible to go back up. So thats my random post of the day (:

Talk to you all soon
Steven

Depression

It seems as though everyone around me is dating and im the only one that is not. Everywhere i turn i see couples left and right. Either they are in a relationship now or they are talking about being in one. For example AE and KP have been in a relationship for a while now then theres AO and EP are also in a relationship. To the left i get another relationship and to the right another one. It just makes me feel so lonely and out there. its like i dont deserve to be with anyone. Just recently one of my best friend just got into a relationship too (MW and AH). It just everywhere people are dating. and here i am in this world as a lonely person with no one to hug or to be with or comfort. I was just meant to be alone. Probably thinking that i like someone too right? and yeah i do, but sadly that person like another person as well. So just bad luck for me.
Every time i see the couples, i just get jealous inside of them. I never really was a type that liked the single life I always really liked to be able to be with someone i care about a lot. Someone to love and say that she is yours without anyone arguing about that. One of my problem is depression and and feeling lonely seems to be a big part of it i can tell. When i am with someone i actually don't get too depressed or even depressed for a long time. But without someone i seem to be depressed almost everyday and every night..

My depression started by in 5th grade, no one ever knew about this problem i had. Fifth grade was a hard time for me moving and all. I had to start making new friends and i wasn't good at it so making friends was a hard thing to do for me. Missing everything i had in my old life was what started. it wasn't until freshman year the i started to get depressions again. Before that i did not really have to worry about anything. In 9th grade I dated 2 people that i probably will get to again. The first one i dated was AE and she was pretty cool but we didn't last too long. Then it was KJ, oh wow this initial didn't really work here. Anyways KJ was next and i pretty much made the worse i mean WORSE decision ive really ever made in my life and i always wish for a second chance but second chances are earned and not just given so probably i have never earned another chance and because of that, it stuck up my depression once again. Then junior year hit and well pretty much all of that year and over that summer was the worse. They almost wasn't a single day when i wasn't depressed or thinking about things that made me depressed. Since then its been getting better. im still depressed now and then but it's not as worse as junior year. I dont know, depression has just been a huge part of my life now and i just dont know what to do to get rid of it

Well talk to yah later
Steven

poem

bucket full of tears

boy know im here 

im here waiting

just close ur precious eyes

and just realize 

im still fighting

for you to be with me

sit under this tree

and we can watch the sunrise

wake up feel the air that im breathin

i cant explain this feeling that im feelin

i wont go another day without you

hold on i promise its gets brighter

when it rains i'll hold you even tighterr

i wont go another day without you

i know your feelin down 

like no ones around

but baby your wrong

just get rid of the fear

promise that im here

i'll never be gone

so baby come with me

we can fly away and we can see the

stars shine

and baby you can be my love

this is me tonight

no more games and no more lies

and i know its right

cuz of the way you look into my eyes

and when i hold you tight

the worries dissapear im glad ur in my life

Lots of thoughts

So here I am once again at a friends house... Sitting in the same spot I usually sit. Today has been a very interesting day to say the least. Even though I went to school today, it didn't really seem Ike it at all. After class I hung out at schmitty house and another friend and we pretty much played a bunch of games. After that I had to head out and pick up M. to go to a birthday party. Anyways we head to the birthday party and it was pretty chill. I was able to flip and then 5 of us laid on the tramp and just talk and had fun. It was just a very nice night to say the least. Maybe my crush for 5 years is over. I feel as though it's like that. I just pretty much gave up right before homecoming. I was going to ask her to the dance but idk something inside me told me not to. Oy I mean I still like her but there no way anything can happen between us ever again. It was a one time thing and I blew it. I just have to learn to move on but that's always the hardest thing to do. Anyways on another note M and I have been hanging out a little bit more(: and that's pretty cool to say the least. So after the birthday party we all head to another friends house to chill for a little bit and we watched a movie well half a movie before we had to leave.

Sure it was a great night but I just wonder sometimes why I am friends with who I'm friends with sometimes. A lot of times I feel like I just don't belong with them. They all bonded so well together and well I just drifted away to college leaving them all behind. Sure it's my fault but I try to stay friends with them but it seems like they are pushing me away. It's days like these I wonder who my friends really are.
As far as I know so far and what's really happened, I feel like I only have one best friends and a couple good friends. The one best friend is pretty amazing I gotta say, just like in the last blog she done amazing things. Like for instant, she really taught me how to be a better friend then I ever were before. And her stories, sure they help me with depression but they also help me get my mind off things. She makes my days better in a week than most people do in a year. She just amazing to say to the least. (:

Anyways tonight will be interesting as well as I'm driving M to another birthday party and I'm broke this time with no presents -_- you know I kind of like this girl. She pretty cool. Well hopefully a good night tonight

Talk to y'all soon
Steven

Hugs

Hugs, the joy of hugs. Hug are just so powerful. They are symbols of forgiveness. They always are what you do when your super excited. Hugs even show that you miss you someone or just to symbolize love of someone. Hugs are amazing.
For me, hugs usually make my day a little better.

So if you ever see me even if you don't know me to well just give me a hug (:

Texting and people.

So today I wanted to talk to you guys about people. Just people in general and how I feel about things.

First off, I text a LOT but there is really only one person I end up texting now. Nope sorry no names here but she may not know this( but she probably does) but she is amazing in every way. She has helped me so much over the past two years, I think, and then she helped me more with things she didn't even know she was helping me with. That is how amazing she is. Whenever I need to go talk to someone about something urgent, I always turn to her because I can rely on her answering the text and for her to be there listening. And if she doesn't that fine, we usually end up finding a time to do it. In the end I pretty much owe my life to her because without her, I wouldn't be where I am today, still kinda depressed in a way but nothing as bad as it used to be.
Answering a text is pretty important sometimes, when you need to get a hold of someone texting just see to be the way to go unless it's an emergency then obviously you call them. But like me, what if I want to talk to someone about something that seems important in my life that cause be very life threating or life changing and the person i want to talk to about this doesn't answer their text. Thats pretty lame -_- Don't you agree? I have just come to a point in my life where if you wanna talk to me then you will find a way to get a hold of me. I always have my phone with me and if you ever need anything I'm there for yah. Sure maybe they just don't respond one or twice that you text them but what if you text them numerous times and they don't answer back. It makes you feel pretty lame in that you were thinking about them wanting to talk to them but were they doing the same? Nope they didn't even care enough to send a simple text saying "Hi(:" or "heyy" back and they constantly ignore all the text you send them in the future. Well if people do that, they can have fun by themselves without me because whats the point of being friends with someone that just doesn't even care enough to talk back to you?
So yeah guys, that my take on texting and people (:

Homecoming...Part 2

Boy, what have I done now? So I got this job at Vector Marketingselling Cutco knives. All I have to say is that is the worst job possible. Itis super degrading and tomorrow I will be quitting that job. Anyways, i figuredsince the other post really had nothing to do with homecoming that i dedicatethis one to more of that. So homecoming seemed like a big deal at the highschool. They had the x games come out for us to see and then they had a bandplay. Both which i was not a part of. Then came the game, even though we won48-14, it was a pretty boring game overall. The one person i really wanted tosee, well she couldn't make it. Oh well. After the game a few of us wentto Perkins and had some food. It was pretty cool. A while later,there seem to be a new table forming and it was the drama kids and some of thepeople from my group decided to straggle over there but i decided toleave early and leave all the drama kids there. They seem to have had a funnight themselves.

That night i started to slowly feel like well, i just don't belonghere anymore. The next day kind of strengthen that feeling as well. Looking around i saw all these people at pictures and how they all seem to be having somuch fun and i thought to myself "wow, all these people and it is like ijust don’t belong with these people anymore" I slowly become more and moreinvisible to people. It's like they don’t care anymore and wouldn't even knowif something happened to me. Slowly become invisible until i vanish leaving notraces of being there anymore, no traces that i was once their friend, someeven their best friend. and now...nothing. At the dance, it felt like thatagain, i seem to go down these paths a lot. depression is just something ipretty much deal with every single day. I don’t think i ever had a day in highschool where i didn't feel depressed. It is just so normal. The dance, well oneperson wanted to dance with but never saw her throughout the dance so icouldn't ask her to dance at all. Sad: / after the dance we went to a friend’shouse to chill for a while, we pretty much watched a movie and played this gamecalled blurt. So that’s pretty much how my weekend went and how you see mythought process goes as i slowly but surely wind the stairs toward depressiononce again

talk to you some other time

Steven

Homecoming and Senior Year

Now looking back on the homecoming dance, I probably would of done something different. Sure it was fun but it could of been better. I thought about asking her to the dance for so long! But as we hung out she said how a bunch of guys asked her already. Still I should of asked. I feel as though she knew about it too and was hinting me to, but I didn't really get the hint at the time..but then again maybe it wasn't a hint at all. But boy I kinda still want her. But Its so weird when I like 3 different people, two of which I dated before and still want to date more. The one person I haven't dated yet, I can't tell how it is. Well it's senior year. My final year with all these people. Then after id never see even again :/ so many people I will miss :( idk how it's going to be without them. I just can't imagine my life without them. They mean so much to me. The girl that Ive know for almost 5 years and knows so much about me and I care so much about her, the swim team!, the girl from sacs who really changed my views on life just to name a few. Man what am I going to do without them! They have made me who I am today. I just love them so much! Seniors 2012 lets live it up like there no tomorrow!(:

Life

Well once again here I am back on the dark side. Once again, depressed I am. Sad that a friend got broken up with, with a girl for over four years and she did it in a mean way. Sad that once again for the 19th day I've been yelled at to go study...even though there has been only 17 days of school so far. Depressed that I feel like I've been living a life of nothing. Once again i feel like not living anymore. I just do not know what to do anymore.. ooh here my mom goes yelling again..... URG!
There hasn't been a day since school started where i haven't been stressed out. Even of the first day when i had no homework i was stressed out. Stressed out that my mom was yelling at me to do homework of non existent. I can't even do the things i like to do anymore. Anytime i want to go play some video games to relieve some of this stress my mom yells at me to go and study and stop wasting time on this crap. Its like WHAT THE FUCK!  I just finished studying and now your yelling at me to study some more even though i need a stress reliever. Yes i know you dont know what that was and you had no life when you were in college because all you talk about is the fact that you studied all the time and even when there was nothing left to study you would still study. It shows now. You have no friends at all. You cant even be friends with the neighbors either. It really shows. AND NO i do not want to be like you and live my life with no friends. i wanna have a life, a successful life and yeah i know when to study. You treat me like a fucking first grader and not knowing what the fuck homework is. NO i have gone through 12 years of schooling now. I know when to do homework and that it is important.
I feel like sometimes i dont belong in this family.

Well, trying to keep my head held high and staying alive
Steven

Don't Worry

I have a total of 44 post that i will releasing pretty soon once i get all the titles and the dates correct. So be sure to for that in the very near future(:

Peace
Steven

Overview

So this is the first time i have ever done this on this so even though this may be the very first post I have posted on here, it very well be that it will not the earliest one. Before i was able to find a site like this to post all my thoughts i used my iPhone notes app to take in everything that was happening around me so that i would never forget anything that happened through the year of 2011.

Still pondering
Steven

Is this All I Ever Think About?

I started going back to kj house again. There was a week or 2 in which I didn't but now I had to because I missed her so much. Those two ish week that I didn't go to her house were right after Connor left... And then after things happened and we went to Josh for boat/bonfire during derby days and that's when I decided to give up on her. I just could not handle her flirting with Josh like that. I remember the 2nd night that we were there and the mass flirting started. I was just so depressed just like that. And it got very awkward because it was just me Josh and kj...very awkward. I just wanted to leave but I couldn't because I was her ride. After that day I told myself to move on because there was just no chance anymore. I had it and blew it. Now I know for a fact that there no chance left. But even though I told myself to move on .. I just couldn't. I just always end up thinking about her in some way. Like I told Madison..even when I flirt with other girls, I just always end up thinking about kj. So I decided to start going back to visit her. 

Awkward(Turtle)

Wow..that's all I can say is wow. I have never been more awkward in my life then yesterday...maybe it's her trying to tell me something. Maybe I should just move on and never think about her again. Maybe it's not worth living anymore. All these maybe revolving in my head. I have entered a great city once again, a city of depression. Maybe after five years, it's time for me to move on. Actually you know what? Maybe I made the right choice in not going to the high school next year. Time for me to move on maybe and never look back. All the people there are all shady. The one person that actually cares for me ...doesn't ever see me. And I feel like she cares for me more than any of my friends would.

My Type of Woman?

Wow 2 days 2 notes what an accomplishment. I totally forgot how jealous I get when Connor and kj are together. I always end up wishing I was him. Sadly that will never happen. Oh well he is one lucky guy that I'm jealous of when he is around kj. One that struck me today was dating. She is afraid of dating, afraid of the physical part of re relationship. And that she pretty much won't date people right now. So many my tiny bit of hope just disappeared and the fact that moving on comes into my mind but idk. I want to be with her and at times, to me of course, it feels like we are dating and this is what it was suppose to be. I dont really think about this much. Most of the time I don't really think about getting into girls pants. There may be times when I have urges but usual that because I want a kiss or make out. Usually it. Sadly I don't think most guys think like and usually ends up me being called gay by Josh and Leo. Oh well.    
In other news, I have learned what I'm interested in, in girls. That was pretty cool because I have pretty much dated all sorts if girls now and finally was able to understand a little bit more about myself. A woman of my type has to be kinda short. Hair does not matter to me. It can be anything. Goodnight (;

Oh Gosh..why am i writing this?

So maybe I fell asleep before I finished writing my note...oh well! Whoa! It's august already! Holy crap I did not know that. Anyways back to this note. I don't think I have ever been more pissed off than I have been today. One girl brought me so far off the edge I just want to smack her. she doesn't even know what she is doing to her best friends. She ditches her best friends for a tv show or ditches them for some random person. She doesn't care for the people who care for her the most. She just walks all over them like a mat and then throws them away. I was in such a great mood earlier and she just had to go and ruin it for me. Urg! Now I can't even sleep anymore. Thank god Madison is still up so I can vent to someone or else I would of done things unimaginable right now. Ahhhhhhh!

What Am I Saying?

Wow it's been about a month since I last wrote in this note. Not much has really happened, finished up swim camp last week. Still talking to Madison like no other haha. Jeffery let me down again :p and that's about it. One month ago I was crushing on a girl for a while one month later she pretty much means nothing to me. who knew the greatest of friends we were a year ago and we don't even talk. I've been playing a lot of black ops lately and because of that I started to become close to Greg. He has helped me a lot with some people that I was confused about before. He seems like a really good role model. Thus leading to the topic of ka aye jay

Meeting a Best Friend

September 2006. Shakopee middle school. 3rd floor, Mr Wagner classroom geography. Back of the room. I stare at you as I still right behind you. You and your blonde hair. You were cute then and never did I think that I would become friends with a girl like you. Back then myspace was the popular thing. We didn't really talk much but we started and from there on, our friendship started to blossom. I remember you writing a long note on. Myspace about what you like about me. To be honest I was flattered. I also wanted to be able to ask you out then but I was scared and didn't know what to do so I never did. In 8th grade nothing to special happened to us. We pretty much went our seperate ways with no intentions of talking again. 9th grade came around and still we didn't talk much the first half. I was one of the founders of the library crew. It started to become big and you started to come everyonce in a while but not too often. And once again our friendship started to slowly blossom again. We gotten really close over the next months and the final dance of the school year I asked you to go. I still remember you wearing your red and black gloves and boy did you look gorgeous. Afterward I asked you out. And thus one week later I made the biggest mistake of my life, and probably the only thing I ever regretted was separating us for me to go with Josie. I am really sorry about that. I was just a little boy that chose looks over personality. And I chose her over you. Thus probably ending a great year for you. I am truely sorry for ruining the end of your great ninth grade year. Years later you told me that youve cried 2-3 times and this was one of them. Once you aaid that I felt horrible. I felt like a horrible person that didn't wasn't worthy enough for you to be friends with me. But yet you still did. Then 10th grade came and somehow toward the end of the year we were ableto become friends again. I personally am happy for this. The summer of 10 was one of the best summer Ive ever had.  I felt that as though we were able to become close. I started to come to your house often and chill there. Not only was I become close to you I was becoming close your family as well! Your family was so lively and now I feel like I'm part of your family. Whenever I came over they opened me with open arms..even when you were not home.

In My Heart

I love you, but you don't care
I miss you, but you don't care
I just want to be friends again but you dont care. So now I'm on my way living a life in despair. Goodbye I say because now I care for you no more. 

I waited for you hoping that things would be different.  But in the end hope was the only thing that ever did change. 1,056 hours was the time we has together. 44 days that I would never forget. One thousand fifty six hours later out of the blue things shattered and we went our separate ways. As I sing this , all I ever wanted was for us to be as close as we once used to be. Remember the great memories that we had, I want those again.  One year left and I don't see anything changing so maybe we go back to an old saying friends to the end not lovers or best friends but just friends. As I watch our friendship diminish. I just wanna say, I wish it ended different

Goodbye Bro

I have officially lost track of the weeks so I've switch to day of the week. It's now 1:07 and I have to get up at 6:30 for a 7 o'clock practice. Oh well. Tonight really did bring closure for me I think. For now at least. There never will be a spark ever again for amber and I again. I may still have feelings for her(lots of feelings at times) but it will never be like it once was. I don't think things will ever be the same again. At times I feel as though she really thinks I'm a compulsive liar, even though I know she kidding..or least I hope she is kidding. Oh well. Someday I will get over these feelings but until then I'll still think about her from time to time and occasionally vent about this to Madison. Writing this alone doesn't always help. Sadly I know that she just doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her. I have learned to accept it. It's just a huge crush now. I miss hanging out with this girl. It used to be so fun, now it just gets awkward at times. Well now that this is over I like to congratulate kj for being queen of the fall for miss mn valley!(: go her! Lastly I wanna say goodbye Jeffery. It was nice getting to know you over the past couple months. All our interesting talks about girls, Madison, Emma(; and just being able to help out with each others problem, which coincidently were almost the same. It was like we were meant to be brohams. Good luck at the U talk to yah soon bro!

Complications

Hmm to make matters even more complicated for me..I now think I like 2 people again. I thought I was over one but not true. So I had people who told me that this someone likes me and well I know I like her but still...we've been down this road before and it didn't go as planned at all. It just didn't work out. So now I'm scared to go down that road again.:/ hopefully things will be sorted out soon and I won't be old and regretting what could have been 

I Miss You :/

I miss you. After talking with Madison I really miss you >.< this probably isn't good. Ok I seriously need to figure this out. How am I ever going to fully get over you? Sadly you don't feel the same way like I do with you..but that's ok it's life. It was so out of the blue. I don't even remember how we got onto the subject but now I miss you...a lot! :/

work vent

Well it is now week 23 and I decided to skip last week because it wasn't to important. There wasn't anything special that I need to vent anything so I didn't. Summer finally arrived and I'm excited. I have a bunch of plans with a bunch of people. First off today I'm heading to the beach with some friends. That should be exciting. I do not know when but sometime soon I'm chilling with Leslie. Whenever it's nice out I'm chillin with Madison and the boys! Now that should be very exciting!! This summer should be a blast.
Some people have asked about relationships with certain others and well I may not be over someone, nor will I ever stop having a huge crush on someone else. But that won't stop me from chilling with them and being good friends with them. Which reminds me, I need to randomly show up at KJ house sometime soon :p just for the fun of it. Well I should be getting back to work,.. But todays been a quiet day so I'm still chillin in the office. Only 15 minutes left to I get off! Woot!

Happy Birthday (:

To continue with what I was saying last week, this morning just proved that she doesn't wanna talk to me. Btw happy birthday amber. Anyways... I just don't feel the same anymore about the friendship. It just isn't what it used to be anymore. We both pretty much have went our seperate ways. It just won't be as hard next year when I really have to say goodbye to her. But who knows, maybe it won't matter, maybe no one would even bother to say goodbye. Maybe I have just become an outcast trying to fit in.

Prom Aftermath

Well why is it so hard for me to move on, even when I know for a fact that she doesnt like me like that anymore. No matter how hard I try it just doesn't work. Cool so enrique doesn't hate me, yet she says we would still be able to hangout even if they date. I for one thinks that that's a lie. I'm positive that he wouldn't let me be alone with her just to hangout. That would be stupid of him to do. She Saids things aren't going to change. But it's obvious that it will. I try to move on but everytime I see her, and look at her eyes, things go back to the way they were before and I just start liking her again. Even though knowing that it will never be what it used to be. I think it is time for me to lock this app so that others are unable to read it. I think that it would be pretty bad if they did.  It amazes me how much of a roller coaster this friendship has become. We started off testing for a little bit to everyday to webcam skyping and talking on the phone to a relationship then to nothing at all. The last actually conversation I had with her was at her house after prom. Now i cant even text her since she doesn't reply anymore. :/ goodbye

I'm Losing You :[

I feel like the people that I love are slowly disappearing from me. I don't know why but everyone I love is moving on away. There was a question on formspring asking "who are you closest to?" I do not know how to even that question anymore. I don't think I'm close to anyone anymore. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about anything anymore. I have become almost an outcast. It feels as though I am once again new to the school but I'm not.

prom

Well yesterday was prom. Somehow I got myself to get excited for prom. Dang amber was beautiful in her dress and with the blue eye shadow. Dare I say it but amber was hot! I actually was jealous of Luke because he had a goregous date. Well besides that I was not too extactic about anything else from Luke. For once I was actually scared of someone driving. It wasn't that he wasnt speeding or the fact he wasn't distracted. He was just a horrible driver. Prom did 2 things for me. It let me figure out that Morgan is just a friend and I don't have feelings for her.she has a nose ring and that is hot!  And that Leslie is kinda hot >.< well she can grind. You know..I think that I still have feelings for amber..but just a little bit. I know that this feeling is going to be there and that it will never go away. I just need to learn that there nothing I can do about it, that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I know that she doesn't have feelings for me. Well if things go as they are heading now, I won't be seeing amber much anymore since she would be Enrique :/ this summer could be a
really hard summer for me. All my bestfriends are either in a relationship or going to be in one so there won't be one on one hangouts with them :( I also have found out a part of my depression problem is me writing in this note. It also is caused by my enormous amount of thinking. I've tried before to not get so sad but nothing seems to help. I always have the feeling of loneliness. I just don't know anymore. Ive been trying and my friends have kept me afloat, but for how long before I sink away?

excite for prom

Well prom is only a week away now and im starting to not care for it anymore. It just seems like another event. And as it draws near, the more I don't feel like going. But I have to. I have a date there and I can't really just ditch her because that would be mean. And I feel like amber doesn't want to be left alone with Luke. Well I'm started to become normal again..sorta. Every couple hours, something would happen and it would come back but at least now it's under control...sort of. Well gotta go seeyah after prom

hot or not?

Hmm gaww I can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me today. Smile I should be but I can't seem to do. My prom idea worked and Morgan said yes. So amber asked how I feel about her. How do I feel about her? Hmm I really don't know. She really pretty and she different from the rest I have dated. She is really quiet and almost the mysterious type. Gaww. Maybe it's a crush I have on her. Well I know I have a crush on her but I'm pretty sure nothing is going to happen at all. Hmm I like talking to her. Her piercings are hot too! There very interesting! I wonder where else she has them. She very fun to talk to at times. And her eyes! They are really cute. So like I said I still don't know. On second note, I'm really glad that amber and I are somewhat back to normal. I still can't hang with her alone because then luke wouldn't like it too much. Thank god prom is only a couple weeks away so afterward I can actually start hanging with amber again. Hopefully! (who cares what Luke thinks?! :P ~Amber)

Prom Asking time

Hmm prom askin time. I've been thinking for the past week on how to ask Morgan to prom and I think I have finally got it! It should be really sweet! Also I have found out what makes me half depressed so that's a plus. This week I have also found out how people really care. Only the ones that truly care are the ones that ask what's wrong and are persistent about it. And so far it would have to be amber and madison. I thank then. Only them..mainly Madison lately..have actually saved my life. If it wasnt for them. I'm pretty sure I would have been a goner. Well I'm tired so short note this week. Hopefully prom date goes well and the rest of the week as well.

prom thinking

Everyday.. It just seems to be getting worse and worse. I promised amber I would stop thinking about this, but I can't .it has become a part of me. Everywhere I go in the high school people talk about prom and it saddens me even more. Not only is it prom but they all talk about relationships. Prom is pretty bad. I wanna go but I don't at the same time. I just don't feel like I belong there anymore. I just don't belong anywhere anymore. Mentally I cannot handle this anymore, everyone and their talking about prom just saddens my heart and makes me more and more depressed. Life is mentally and emotional getting really hard for me. Many times I wonder if this is all worth it anymore. Each and everytime I zone out, I think about death and if it would be worth it. I just don't belong in my group of friends anymore. They are better off without me and wouldn't even care if I was gone

My Birthday ...depressed

So typical me, depressed and thinking once again. The worse combination that anyone could give me. Whenever I think, it's usually not the greatest, when I think, I think of death. Combined with the depression that I am going through equals death big time. I just don't even know why anymore, why am I depressed now. I just am :/ i think it just because I think I miss the feeling of actually being loved. Everyone around me is going into a relationship. Everyone I know has found someone that cares for them. Then there is prom. Prom this, prom that, everyone is making it such a big deal. Well side note " happy birthday to me" I wonder who really knew that it's my birthday today. I guess I'll never find out. Make to what I was talking about. Everyone around me cares for someone...as for me, no one cares about me. I just that one dude that comes and leaves the high school. I'm not important or anything at all. I just want it to end right now. I just don't wanna go through this pain anymore, it's so bad as I don't even remember the last time I was actually happy. The people ive cared for, have drifted away leaving no one left in my life. So I end this note with happy birthday to me, the only one who truly cares.

friendships

This week has been one interesting week. I started talking to Cassie a whole lot and Madison as well..when she came back from her Mexico trip. Amber and I still haven't really technically hung out so that means I won't be talking to her. Or trying not to and failing is probably what's going to happen. I told her once and I've told her before, we just weren't meant to hang out. Our friendship is going down the drain and I have a feeling it's not coming back up anymore. I mean I've tried and tried and tried but it's no use now. There so many times where I wonder if she just faking us being friends but she truly doesnt want us to be friends anymore. It could be. I feel like trying no more. I promised you that we would be together as friends but this promise is too hard to keep. If you keeping acting the way you do, well I just don't see a future with us together. You gave me your word that we would hang out this spring break..you gave Me it. And it did not happen. I went to the movies with you and if to wanna call that us hanging out then fine but it really was like only 5 minutes max of us talking or even being near each other. I am sorry to say but you have changed so much.
Today I watched Tron with my bro and it reminded me so much of what it was like back then. Now you have almost become unworthy in my life.
So now that I've talk to madison about this, about how amber has changed. I can't put too much into this because of the people that read this. I really don't know where I would be without Madison. If it wasnt for her, I would still have a lot of things bottle up inside. She has become the 3rd person after KJ, who I got bored of at times trying to talk to her about things, and amber, well that easy as to why I don't open to her anymore. So now it all Madison and her vent sesh. thank you Madison. I think without you, I would have been gone a long time ago

typical week for me

Well was suppose to hang with amber today but what do yah know, something arises and she cant/ doesn't wanna hang. So what..4th time this has happened. Like I said before and it saddens me to say this but we just weren't meant to hangout. Every single time we try she bails and no hangout. I was really hoping for us to hang but guess not. Im also holding her with That she said that we will hang out before spring break ends...so she has 4 days for us to hang since she gone tues wed and Thursday. But Monday doesn't really count since we have to be together because of the meet. I'm hoping we can hang bit I'm about 70% sure it's not going to happen
Moving on gaby is pretty annoying always talking about Damon and her prego belly, which I don't wanna hear! I just don't really care about it, I mean it's her fault that it happened and I have no interest in helping her( I sound like a bad person now).
Also hung out with KJ and her cousin and that was pretty fun I gotta say. Jami looks so funny with her hair messed up. Also I still didn't get to see her prom dress. :/ oh well that just means that I need to go to prom. But that I am still debating because I do wanna go but then I don't and I don't really feel like going alone either and there no one to go with. I wanna go with amber but she thinks it would be awkward even though it just as friends. And then I wanna go wtb KJ as friends but she waiting on Logan to ask her so oh well with that. Those are the only two people I really want to go to prom with since it would be fin going with them, I can't really think of any one else to go with..beside I kinda wanna go with Morgan or Cassie. Hmm So yeah big dilemma there. Well I have nothing left to talk about in this segment of the note so good night week 13, week 14 hopfully yoi are much better (:

Reflections on meeting a close friend (:

Hmm this note should be interesting..if not it was interesting in my head. I met you back in 9th grade second semester. I still don't know where though, and that bothers me at times. Either we met in gym or some other place.. Oh well Haha. At that time you were just a little girl and I was a not so little guy. I never thought that our friendship would have gone like it did. Our friendship really did go anywhere durin the summer of 9th grade but as 10th grade went on we became really close friends somehow. I think it was because of our friends that we became close. Then summer hit and we got even more close. With all the parties we had, the state fair was really fun top with all the people we saw haha with emily. Never did I thought that I would fall in love with you..but i did and I had a crush on you all summer long and pretty much all of 11th grade. But even as I did, I didn't let it bother our friendship at all. Even as I had this big crush on you and even though I was jealous of the people you liked. I didn't let it get to me and I would still help you in finding your true happiness because that is what a good friend does. As i write this note, it just makes me really sad since I miss the old us and how we used to be."/ I feel as though this semester has gotten is not closer together but farther apart. Thus this brings us into almost the present, the time in which was probably the best and the hardest part of my 11th grade year. From November to January were probably the best months. Even though it was a lot of pondering it was well worth it (: and then the days leading up to December 29. Idk what to say but throughout the month of january were probably the best for me because I was pretty much stress free(: 
After the breakup things were hard at first but soon things became better about it but I still miss her kisses and hugs. But things were not the same afterward. We slowly became more and more apart. It got to be so bad as I couldn't see her without thinking about the old times. I started to skip lunch because I couldn't stop thinking about her and I couldn't look at her without getting depressed. But without seeing her it made me more depressed so I decided to go back to lunch with her and the rest of them. 
As I reflect our friend -> best friend-> to couple -> now I feel as though at times we are just aqaintences and that is what makes me sad "/ as I come to the end of this note I really hope that things between us gets better. But although I really want us back together, I would be fine with us being best friends. As long as I'm with you I am fine with it (:

"if you truly love someone, you want them to ALWAYS be happy, even if it's not with you."

Rollercoaster!...of love

So today.. Yet another boring day. Found out some things that may bring challenges up ahead. Well first off amber heading to Duluth and then north Dakota. But as I think about it again..our days not talking ended a while ago. We went on for about a year, year and a half without a single day not talking to each other, but that record is over now....sadly. But now me and Madison have a record too but it's only a couple months haha. But that soon will be gone as well as she heading to Mexico. So yesterday I learned a little more about Madison and we found out that we both know amber equally neither knows her better. Also I made plans to hang out with amber next weekend but as I am aware the last time we made plans to hang out..well that's we did was made plans. None of it even happened so hopefully this time it will actually follow through and happen or I'll be disappointed once again... Hmm we also talked about prom and offered to go with her as friends but she refute the offer. Oh well..I tried. I mean yes I do wanna go to prom with her but when she makes a decision she sticks with it and nothing ever changes her mind. So yeah I tried and it did not happen. Well there always next year..if I stay friends with her that is... Every day is like a roller coaster for our friendship. Some days are still amazing while other days are not. There will be days in which our friendship prosper and then they will be those days in which there is no friendship even found. But hopefully this roller coaster can keep going up instead of up and down and up and down because the stress of it is starting to get to me. Oh speaking of stress I am getting really close to burst on someone. People theses day are starting to piss me off more and more. So if I don't have a vent sesh with Madison..or someone very soon I think I might just burst on them. So yep week 12 ...you are done hopefully this next week will be better mentally because I just can't take it anymore..I just might have to do the permenant answer to the temporary problem.

Red Lobster

So today has become quiet a boring day. Yesterday I went to red lobster for dinner and it was yummy. Through that I was Texting amber about flirting which then got onto the subject of me liking KJ. You know idk If I like her or not. But like I flirt with her all the time and she does back..that's just how we are though...idk I don't think I like her like that? But like amber said " every other guy likes her so why not you?" i really didn't know how to respond to that at all. After 4 years of liking her I guess i just moved on knowing that there isn't a future for us there.
I've also been accused of pole vaulting just to get back with amber. You know I never thought of it like that before and I can see where people might see that. But I for one,am not doing it just to get back with her. I don't think I could stoop down to that level. I'm doing Vaulting because I want to not because of a girl.
Previously I've mentioned about my depression..well it has gotten worse and worse everyday. I feel so alone everytime I go to the high school... I don't feel like I belong there anymore. Everything is so different and it seems that it better without me. Whenever I with my friends is when i feel the most distant from everyone. They are all leading there lives just fine without me. Everything just seems to boring and nothing seems to be worth living for. It's gotten to a point as to all I was thinking was ending it last night. I mean as far as I know... No one would care and no one would even miss me or even bother to go looking for answers. If I don't find something or someone to live for then I guess this could be It for me. All this stress, this depression, this life... Is it worth it at all?

Feelings for you as always

So today I found out who amber really like, nick. Although I was jealous at first, it's cool now. As long as she happy. But after thinking over the last few weeks I have sadly come to conclude that we wont ever be as close of friend as were before. This conclusion makes me very sad. :( I mean I've tried and tried to get our friendship back on track but instead of going in the right direction torwards best friendship, it goes in the wrong direction towards nothing. And nothing scares me, I don't know if I can live without you in my life, but I feel I might have to soon if it continues the way that it's going. We had one good day on Friday when we went swimming with Morgan and some friends but it seem like it was just a Friday thing. :( I was going to talk to her about prom and maybe ask her to prom as a friend but I don't think it's going to happen anymore :( well sadness and It makes me even more sad (actually almost crying) that I say that we might not even be friends. I can't stand this anymore! I think this is a reason why I'm so depressed lately. It getting so bad at points where I question life and if it's worth to live for and I was on the verge on almost doing it as well. As i write this note I write it in tears. But Ik I have to hold back feelings when I'm in school. But there are those days when I can't handle it. Well I think ima go to sleep. I'll be back Sunday (: