What do I do now?

Why do I feel this emptiness inside of me? I have accepted the fact that no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever changed between you and I. What you said had got me wondering about things, you said " I just could not see myself waking up next to you in the morning." who really ever has that planned out though? I feel like it always start small and gets bigger and bigger as it goes. Now back on topic, like I said i have accepted the fact that I will "like" you and that your feelings about me probably will not change no matter how hard I try. Now I just try to be the best friend that I can be to you. When I am doing my job as a best friend, most of the time I could care less if it hurts me more or not because I care for other people's happiness more than my own. Now that she has this all figured out, maybe its my turn to do so as well. Its my turn to try to move on and "get a life." but maybe...maybe its too late.

I don't think you can control how you feel about someone. Maybe you can try to keep yourself from getting attached, but lets face it. Once you fall, you're trapped. A part of you will always linger on and think about the person even when you are doing it unconsciously 

Can I just have you for one more time? Please? :D 

Second chance

I know this may sound hypocritical but... to be honest i really truly love you, like I haven't fought this hard for anyone. Sure i know that you may feel different about this but everyone deserves a second chance to figure things out. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't. Who knows, Things are meant to happen in twos so a second chance is something i feel like i should get. This time maybe it will work and if it does then yeah:D but if it doesn't we dont even have to see each other anymore after this and we can go along with being friends and knowing that it was not if it was not meant to be. I told you in person that i would not sway your thoughts one way or another but in writing i said nothing. Its just so hard to speak when you know that you want something else, that you passion for something else. Its just so hard to go on knowing that maybe if you tried just a little bit harder that you might actually get somewhere with what you want. just MAYBE. Maybe there is a chance of it and maybe not but i feel like now i just say maybe too much.

There are things that i just never say to the person for it may cause them to be awkward. But this may be my last chance to say anything at all. Now I'll just say what I was too scared to say before.
Surely you may not know this but you have been the only person to put a smile on my face when i am down and you wouldn't even have to say anything at all. When we were going out, that was the best month I have ever had, maybe not for you, but for me it was amazing. After the whole thing ended, it was like there was a void of emptiness that i couldn't fill with anything. I just didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Sometimes I do not understand why i still chase after you even though knowing that i would be the one to suffer the most out of this. Sadly i think of you constantly, I do not know how to get you out of my head. Sometimes i feel like its not a bad thing at all.

I got the perfect idea now! This may sound very stupid but, maybe we should just start hanging out again, watching movies, catching up on old tv shows, and from there on out whatever happens happens. One final run for it or done. I just want things to be like they were last year (:

  Honestly I cannot see you not in my life.

Positive thinking

Today I was told to think more positively. Today I told myself that I should change. This could be a hard road to go through but probably will help me a lot. You know, recently I feel like everything I say and anything I do, I feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Maybe it is just me but thats how I feel. I mean without even thinking about it, I questioned my best friend >.< how stupid of me to do. It wasn't even on purpose, it just happened. I just feel really bad now. URG! Stupid me again. Like I said at the beginning of this post, thinking positive will be very hard to do. It was a good five or maybe more months since I've had this feeling but I can now say the streak has ended. I don't know how this came into my mind but it has. Positive thinking means thinking of the opposite of this so again i stand thinking of the negative.

Actually to be honest, i just want to cuddle with someone. Being alone isn't what i want. I just want to be loved.

Steven :D

The Friend Zone

Friend Zone : The area in which your best friend of the opposite gender does not want a relationship while you do.

For me, I feel like I am always in that zone. No matter where I go or who I am friends with, in the end that zone is where I fall into. Not by choice but because I am the "nice guy" thus puts me in the non-date-able zone. People always come to me with their problems and the main problem that most come to me for is that they cannot find a guy who is nice to them or someone that wont cheat on them or do bad things to them. Woman say that men are stupid and then they look to their best friend and say "oh not you, i mean the other men out there." Later they would complain about what stupid thing men have done. Sometimes the best thing is right in front of us but we are too blinded by whats out there that we do not see it at all. Friend zone, the worst zone possible to be in. Its almost like being let on by the other person and then to get crushed by them. Friend zone, I am sorry for everyone stuck there. I know how you feel

What next?

After this great trip, it got me thinking with the information that I found out. And it's really weird because I cannot express this with words how I feel actually. That night brought back so much memories from the previous year. It makes me miss being in a relationship and no lies if I could, I would do it all over again. Now though I'm scared actually, this hasn't happened before where I didn't have an idea of how it would work out. Being scared of commitment is huge and its a scary thought. Now only that, its close to the end of the year and I remember she said that she wasn't going to date anyone this year.

I just do not know what I'm going to do right now. I want to be with her but there are so many factor to be considered. I feel like the last time I was at this time of thought I rushed into being with her and look what happened because of that, it ended just as fast as it started. I want this to last as long as possible and maybe this time it's best to wait, which can either be really hard to say or it could be just like before. I would rather be her close best friend then no friend at all. I would wait until both of us are ready to make a commitment to each other if that time ever comes.

I don't know how I do this but I enjoy being her best friend and helping her solve her problems. I do not understand when people say that they cannot help the other person because they like them and the problem is love. I feel like if you're best friends with the person than love and trying to be with her shouldn't be you top priority but instead it should be making her happy and enjoying life. Then again I care more about others than I do of myself and so I would rather see happiness on others even it means that happiness doesn't belong on me because like I said earlier I would rather be best friends with her than be no friend at all.

Can love really exist or is it just one of those myth that people are suppose to believe. I kind of want to find out with this girl. I know that i like her a lot but I have no idea about how she feels. Woman are so confusing. Sure I had a huge crush on someone for a long time but this feeling is different. I mean I'm willing to wait for her, I would do anything for this chick. Is that normal at all?

I. will. wait.

More to come very soon
Steven

Life without you would be like a sky without a sun.

chickens go cluck cluck!...right?

This weekend has been one the greatest trips I have ever experienced in my life! I never knew so much could happen in just three days! We left on Friday in the afternoon and we got to JA grandparent's house, one of the most beautiful houses I've seen and it was so peaceful as well. Along the way up there we did some interesting things. In Eau Claire we saw life size models of Mater and Lighting McQueen from Cars! Afterward we made a condom balloon by using the car's velocity to blow up the condom and after it hit 70mph it exploded and pretty sure onto the car that was behind us and it decided to would follow us for the next 40 or so miles! Good thing we lost them because that could of been a bad moment.

That night though, everyone pulled an all-nighter and talked. I swear the conversation i had was the deepest conversation I had with someone ever! We talked about our friendship and how and what happened at these times. I think the coolest thing I learned from the conversation was the 4-2=1 :D I never knew that before. I feel the conversation was much needed and it helped improve our friendship overall. Things were meant to happen for a reason, some good some bad, without these events life would be boring and nothing would of been learned from it. The conversation also helped me find out a little more about what kind of person I actually am. Thank you so much          for a meaningful night!

The next day we headed out to The Kalahari, the largest indoor water park. Before we were there we  made a small pit stop to an outlet mall that was right across the street from it. There we decided to sit in the small kids ride, you know like the ice cream trucks and what not, that cost 25 cents or so. Afterward we went to the water park when it was finally open.  Although it was the largest water park, it was quite small when we were there. I can say that nothing really important pops into my mind. Afterward we headed back to Gma's house and played poker and Blackjack. Memories to be made right there!

The finally day we were there, we headed out to Devil's Lake in Barbados, such a beautiful place out there. We had a picnic and hiked up the bluff afterwards .On the way to the top we made some stops and climbed out onto the rocks, trees, penis looking rock formations, and cracks in the rocks that hung out of the cliff. After an hour or two later we reached the top, even though it could of been around a half hour walk. Three hours later we were able to make it up one side and down the other side and finally back to the starting point but those three hours were so much fun. Thus started our journey home.

So we decided that instead of taking the same direction home as we did coming here that we would take a more scenic route. We took a pit stop at Winona and from there went our separate ways. Everyone made it home safe and sound and can officially say that not a single wrong turn was made nor were we ever lost! That's more than I can say for the other car, which sadly took a wrong turn which cost them to be home an hour after my car and peeps!

This trip was by FAR! the best bonding trip I have ever been on! The bonding was probably what made this trip so spectacular and I feel like it was definitely needed to help get through with the rest of the year. We better do this again! :D and soon!!!!!!!!  I end this amazing weekend off with a quote I saw in J Grandparent's house as it fits this weekend:

I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be. I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way.

Disappear

Post 69! (; and i have hit 1500 views on this page!! :D Well it happens to be one of those times again when i question who my best friends really are. It seems lately that i really do not have many friends that actually care for me. Who are my real best friends and who are there pretending to be one. Lately it seems like i dont have any close friends. I have turned invisible in the schools. There are times when i just want to never come back to the high school since there isn't that cares for me to be there. Why go to a place where you are not wanted? Why be somewhere when you just are going to be ignored? WHY? Ive been drifting further and further away from everyone. It seems that track was a tough decision for me, to join or not to join. In high school people join groups that they feel like they belong to. I don't seem to belong to a group anymore. Everyone has gone their way and i was left behind.

Think of the last time we actually texted instead of just asking a question, and then tell me what kind of friends are we...

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never the same."