Thursday, April 26, 2012

Boobs:D

Today was the first day I started watching Dance Academy and to be honest its not that bad of a show. I kind of like the drama that is in this movie. Then again, I am like a chick when it comes to movies but I don't care, I like the drama that these shows have. It makes me think less and its able to get me thinking of something else. Today's topic? Boobs! The big question among guys, ass or boobs and while most would say ass, this kid is definitely a boob person. I just find that boobs are way more entertaining then butts. Just like I like short people I also like smaller boobs, the ones that are just the right size to hold and not big ones. Big boobs don't seem to excite me as much. Without clothes on big boobs aren't so great but the nice small boobs are awesome! I have no idea why I am writing this at all. This isn't probably something that should get posted so it might be one of those non posted drafted ones that I allow certain people to read. Boobs boobs boobs! C cup, i thought were my favorite but after minor research cough I realize that they are just as bad as D cups. B cups are where they are at. At that size everything seems to be more proportionate and it just makes the girl look way better.3 girls I dated had some sort of this cup 3 of the 7 mainly because I do not know the others. I do not think this is a coincidence that it was like this. I seem to like short girls that have boobs that I can hold. Not only that I like girls that have great personalities. That is a HUGE must, after I decide that they have a good personality or not then comes the beauty. Beauty not from the outside but beauty from the inside. Beauty that you cannot see but only can feel. You feel like you are a better person when you around them, the feeling that they are the only thing in the world and would do anything for them. Beauty from the outside is just a small part of it but by being able to see the beauty of the inside then you can see from all around and that is what makes a relationship even better. thus you would be able to last longer and be happier. I never look for a girl for a short term relationship. I look for someone that I actually want to be with for a long time, that's the reason why whenever I break up with someone or vice versa it hurts a little more than it should. Three years ago was the first time I had a true decision to make that would affect how I was today. I was just a little boy that didn't know much about pain. I made the wrong decision, the decision that I actually regretted. I chose someone that was more sexually open than someone that I cared about way more. Every once in a while I wonder how we would be right now if I didn't make such a stupid decision. Would we still be friends? How close would we have been. and  Why was I such an idiot?

If Anyone Could Answer These, That Would Be Great
Steven

Plain Short and Simple

I Love You.

Until she figures out..
Steven

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I LOVE bubbles! (:

LOVE. What is love? The question that I have been contemplating for the longest time. How would someone describe love? Before it was that feeling that was indescribable but if it is not describable then how does one know when they experience it? 


Tonight I experienced a different kind of love. When Love is brought up in a sentence usually it is either joking love or "true love"  I would describe this love as a friend but could be more friend love. A platonic love is what it would be called. I have this love for her and it is obvious that I love her and she will always have a special place in my heart. She doesn't know this but each time we show affection towards one another, it actually really helps me. It's a lot harder to explain why or how but its like how one may say sometimes the chase is better than the catch but in my case it would be the other way around. OOOOOOOOO LIGHTING!!!!! ..and THUNDER!!!!! THUNDDDDDDDDDDDDRRRRRRRRRRR. ok Im done now. It helps bring closure on one area. but


OMG her lips! they are to die for, She has these lips that are always so tempting. There are not too big where it's like look at me I want attention lips nor are they the lips that are not there. She has the perfect size lips for teasing people with. She is an interesting woman in my life. She helps me "try" new things, things that are out of my comfort zone. She makes me try new things. Tonight was a different night, tonight we did something that was done before but as said earlier they help bring closure on a chase that I went on for many years. 


I had/have/had? this thought for the longest time that when you, im going to use the word "butterfly" because it is a synonym for this word, but I had the mentality that when you butterfly more than twice, it was like you were using them or vice versa because it was like one wanted a relationship and the other different. What I never considered was the fact that maybe neither party wants to be in a relationship and that the feeling they have with each other was mutual. Now everything has changed and I do not know what to think. 


Which brings me to my next topic, Kissing. Kissing is something that has been around for hundreds of years dating back to the roman period. When I think of kissing, usually the first thing that comes to mind is love but some times there is no love upon it but little did you know, kissing does more than show passion towards one another. First off, If you kiss for more than 3 minutes it helps fight stress and it effects. The longer the kiss is the better because longer kiss trigger the chain of biochemical reactions which destroy stress hormones.So kissing is a great stress reliever and not only that it is great for the self esteem as well. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind. When you give a person a smooch, you use 2 facial muscles but when you kiss someone then you are using all 30 facial muscles and help bring blood flow to the face which results in a smoother more pretty face. Lastly and my favorite one, kissing reduces anxiety and stop the "noise" in your mind resulting in a more calm and peaceful person. This is my favorite because if you have read the other post you would know that I sometimes suffer from depression and this is a great method to help overcome it. Here are some other facts you might not know. 

  • Long kisses are beneficial to the circulatory system. When kissing, your pulse rate is quickening up to 110 beats per minute. This is a great training for our cardiovascular system. 
  • The lungs are kissing are worked harder resulting in 60 inhales per minute compared to the regular 20 inhales a minute. This results in preventive measure against lung disease. 
  • While kissing, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Inside the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain. 
  • Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don't.
  • Kissing burns 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. By kissing for at least 20 seconds a day 3 times a day, you can lose an extra pound.
  • Kissing can cure the headache and lastly they can cure hiccups as well! 
Who knew that kissing could do so much. It make sense though because every time it was done, I felt so much better and it got me out of my mood into a more happy mood. They produce endorphin and are a great stress reliever as well as a pain reliever. But what a kiss helps me the most, is the feeling that someone out there cares for me. It makes me feel like I actually am not the only one out there. 

Sometimes I just need to kiss someone and i LOVE bubbles!(;
Steven.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Why?

You spin my head right round right round. That's how I feel about you. I know how you feel about me already but to be honest, I do not really care, I will always love you a lot. You are the only person that I've met that I would actually sacrifice my own health in order to keep you happy. Never had I felt that way about a person. This weekend just adds more and more to the confusion I have with you. Too many times this weekend, I almost kissed you but somehow I was able to hold it back. I really do not want it to be awkward between us, so I "hide" my true feelings for you. I rather be in love with you and be your best friend, then not your friend at all. I love you a lot!

I seriously do not know what to do with myself. What am I going to do when I do not get to see you in a few months. I'm going to be so lost without you there. I feel like college will be interesting and it will be very difficult for me on the friend side of things. :/

God, you have no idea how much I want to be with you. I try so hard to do it but at the same time not super hard to the point where its creepy. Even though I have no idea what it feels like exactly, I feel like the wolf when it imprints on a female. Thats exactly how I feel about you. No matter how hard I ry to get you out of my mind, you just stay their longer and longer. No matter how many times I tell myself"It will never happen and no matter what I do, You stay in my mind. I just want to be with you. I just do. Knowing that I probably will never be with you is like having like blades shooting into my heart,slowing killing me from the inside. :/

Confused as much as a person can be
Steven

Saturday, April 14, 2012

An Interesting Friend

So there is this girl(actually there is 2)..yes I know you guys are surprised :P Anyways, there is this girl that I've known for I want to say 4 years now. Wow its been a long time that I have known you. Well this is just like any girl out there. She drives me crazy sometimes, not the crazy like stay away crazy but the other crazy. She is this little ball of energy that say the most random things sometimes. You know, for me at least I look for a girl that smart and gorgeous. There are very few out there that are like that and once you find someone like that you have to keep them as much as possible.But this girl, well we develop a friendship, a bond that I cannot describe in words. Its a super strong best friendship bond, sure there were days when it was rough but we were able to overcome that and now on this day, i feel like we are more closer now as friends that we have ever been before. I enjoy the bond that we have, it is something special. Sometimes I wish that we could be more than friends. Every time we hang out, I have the urge to kiss her but I don't. I don't because all she wants is to be friends.

Maybe someday Ill figure this out I Love her
Steven

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

cant handle it anymore

There are some nights when I wish i had alcohol and so that i can drink till there no end. Drink away the pain of reality. Sometimes I just cannot handle it. Sometimes i just do not know what to do anymore. No one to really talk about my problems with, and its not like any of these are serious problems at all but in my head they are. If i would have to compare my problem with something it would be like a skinny girl seeing herself not so skinny kind of problem. Drinking my problems away, I'm on my last thread with this stuff, sometimes I just have to say goodbye to it all.

I'm Sorry :(

There so much I want to write about in this blog, hopefully I can remember it all to write it all out.

1. I have decided once again that you, you are a very confusing person to say the least. I do not know at all where I stand with you. Yesterday at the movies I was joking with you but some of that ended up not being a joke at all. Some of it was actually for real. One of the question I asked was "would you go out with me?" and you said maybe. Maybe?!? What is this? Is that suppose to be a joke or was it a serious answer? Sometimes I wonder about it. Recently we were talking about the old times, I HATE bringing it up because breaking up with you was the worst mistake I've ever made. The only thing I have ever regretted. I mean that still haunts me to this very day. Why can't you just make it simple for me? Why? Life would be so much better if you did thanks :P

2. Everytime I start flirting with you, it just hurts a little inside me. Knowing that my best friend is going after you and I cannot do anything about it because you have your heart set on him. I die just a little on the inside every time. I thought by dating another person, I could get over you or by saying that i am over you could get over you but I was wrong. I'll just keep telling myself that and eventually I will be over you right? right.

Hmm At this rate I am just going to rant about everything and make this the biggest blog post I have had.

3. Hmm What am i suppose to say now. i know how one person feels and i know how the other person would feel about it. After yesterday i realized that I miss making out with someone. Sadly i have to come to realize that  i will probably not be able to do that again with this person. To be honest it was really fun and i would like to do it again. I have such a weird feeling on this subject, I feel bad because of the information that i knew but at the same time...I don't urg! We need to talk about this soon!

4. Using Amber to get to Kj? Using Kj to get to Amber? I don't understand why people have to make preposterous ideas into other's mind. Why must people think that I am a bad person? What have I done that makes people hate me? I would never do such things to the people that mean so much to me! First off, I do not know how you would see that. I want to know how you see that I would use one or the other to get to the other one. To all yall haters, I am confused -_-

5. Amber, I'm sorry.

Lately I've been having pains in my heart, not emotional pain but actually physical pain. I do not know what it is from but I'm pretty sure it because of me being malnutritious. I just do not feel as hungry anymore and I know that it is affecting my health but lately i just do not care anymore. I just don't. There has been so much stress, school, drama, love, friendship that has gotten in the way that sometimes I do not know what to do anymore.

Life... is it something scared or is it something that can be just there? I've been thinking that a lot and sometimes I do want this life to be over, Sometimes its just to much for me, and back to the one above, I am sorry Amber. I promised you that I would stop thinking of negative thoughts but its too late, I started thinking of them again. Recently on an adventure we passed by Leo's Grandmother's grave and only until then was when I realized how important a person can be in your life without you knowing it. How much impact did I really have on a person? Aren't I just an invisible person that wouldn't even be noticed if gone. Jokingly I was talking about this with Amber and it was when I told her when I almost fell off the bluff. and she was jokingly say about how no one probably would of noticed it until hours later. But thats how it all started on me thinking WHO? who would actually miss me? who would actually notice if i was gone? Sometimes when I think of skydiving, sometimes I think of what would happen if I never pulled my parachute and just end it there. Its a hard topic for me, Every time I think of it, i actually start to cry (like right now). Its something that just really hard to talk about.

New topic! I am on the verge of quitting track because I suck at it, I could care less that it is a social event. I am a super anti social person and why would I want to go to a sport that i could care less for it and in which i just do not want to see people at all? To me track is a useless sport. I am also on the verge of doing the disconnection between Amber and I, Sure it didn't work but maybe it will work a second time.

Second chances are what I believe in. Everyone deserves a second chance. No matter what you did, you deserve a second chance because maybe it was a mistake the first time and that way you can fix what you did. Sometimes Kj sometimes i wished I had gotten "the second chance" to prove to you the first time was a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again. But i never got it and ...Nevermind I cant talk about this.

Rascal Flatts! The best band ever to have come out of history! They are the only ones who songs actually touched my heart and they mean so much to me. All of their songs are so deep!

Lately i've been having a void in my life and i realize its not because of a specific action that someone did but it was because I have no one to talk about it to. You see, the people I used to talk to about my problems were Kj, Madison and Amber but slowly I pushed them away and now I am left alone and I just dont have anyone to help me with my problems anymore. It is like when I pushed them away the void in my world got bigger and bigger.

After all this time, I realized (part of why I do not want to post this to the public to see) that I just want to make out with girls and sometimes not be in a relationship with them. Well some of them I do but I like making out with girls. Hmm I wonder how good of a kisser I am, I know for a fact that every time I make out with someone that they obviously judge right away but I kinda wanna know about this actually. So if you have any insights let me know :P


Prom, the most hyped up dance of a high school career. Its where everything happens. This year I wanted prom to be something special but as the days roll on as there is exactly 1 month and one day left before prom starts. I wanted it to be with someone that i actually cared a lot for but as it moves closer and closer to the date I find that the people that I "thought" I cared for either don't care enough anymore or because someone else is going after them. As i have said earlier, I am not a mean/bad person overall so I tend to stay away from those people. What am I going to do, the person that I had orginally in mind from the beginning of the year, well my best friend has a thing for her and I don't want to upset him by asking her to prom, even though I do want to since it was something I thought about last year and this year but as expected I probably will not be able to ask her. Sad moment :/

I have come to realize that if the rate that our friendship is going, you will not be in the future outside of high school. I can see that you just slowly push me away and thats ok. I mean there only what 2 months of school left and you want to do that then fine by me. You wont see me in your college life ever. I wanted to stay friends with you and keep in close contact with you considering we are only an hour away but as you push more and more, the likely hood of me being in your future gets smaller and smaller and smaller till one day there will be no more me left with you. If thats the way you want it then fine keep at it cause you are doing a great job at it as well.


Still living
Steven


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

too little too late

These last couple months have been very interesting to say the least.Besides the whole dating idea and the high school drama, I was able to learn a little bit about who my close friends are and who really is there for me when i need it. 

Some many times this year I have been accused of playing one person or another. First off it was "your just using Amber to get back to Kj and then later it was your just using Kj to get to Amber. Was I really doing that? I've decided to just leave them both alone and let life go on. Its obvious that none of us were meant to be together and I am just going to leave it that way. 

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Running at 8

Today I went on a run to think some more. I know I know, you probably are sick of me talking/venting/ranting on the same old thing over and over, well too bad (: On this run of mine, I thought of you again and where we stand. Not only that I thought of stars and of cuddling :P Then I thought of the void that you have left me with to figure out how to heal. It all came to me roughly 2 miles into it, Yes I am a very slow runner. I've decided that I NEED you in my life,even thought it could be nothing more but as a best friend. I NEED someone to talk to when things are down and when things are at their low. I NEED someone to be there for me when I really need it and  I realized that you have been there for me, you have helped me so much. I now realize that I need you more than you really know.

After that I thought about stars and how we have very few stars in here. I just want to lay out there with you and just talk about life. I enjoy talking about life because it really helps me with my mind and how my life is truly going. Knowing that there is someone out that that is willing to listen to me and elaborate how I feel. I just want to hold on to someone knowing maybe that you aren't mine but that I truly care for you and I don't know what I would of done without you in my life. Sometimes I feel as though I would never of been here if it wasn't for you. So many times you were able to calm me down and stop me from doing something soo stupid that I could of ended my life. So many times.... I dont know how often I get to tell you this but truly from the bottom of my heart: Thank You. I never knew how I deserved a friend like you, sometimes I feel like you are too good to have a friend like me. A person that never seem to do anything right and just always fails at life. A person that could never been a good of a friend to you. I never understood how you were able to handle me sometimes but you did and I applaud you. You mean so much to me and I NEVER want to lose you in my life.

Thank You for saving me

Steven