1. I have decided once again that you, you are a very confusing person to say the least. I do not know at all where I stand with you. Yesterday at the movies I was joking with you but some of that ended up not being a joke at all. Some of it was actually for real. One of the question I asked was "would you go out with me?" and you said maybe. Maybe?!? What is this? Is that suppose to be a joke or was it a serious answer? Sometimes I wonder about it. Recently we were talking about the old times, I HATE bringing it up because breaking up with you was the worst mistake I've ever made. The only thing I have ever regretted. I mean that still haunts me to this very day. Why can't you just make it simple for me? Why? Life would be so much better if you did thanks :P
2. Everytime I start flirting with you, it just hurts a little inside me. Knowing that my best friend is going after you and I cannot do anything about it because you have your heart set on him. I die just a little on the inside every time. I thought by dating another person, I could get over you or by saying that i am over you could get over you but I was wrong. I'll just keep telling myself that and eventually I will be over you right? right.
3. Hmm What am i suppose to say now. i know how one person feels and i know how the other person would feel about it. After yesterday i realized that I miss making out with someone. Sadly i have to come to realize that i will probably not be able to do that again with this person. To be honest it was really fun and i would like to do it again. I have such a weird feeling on this subject, I feel bad because of the information that i knew but at the same time...I don't urg! We need to talk about this soon!
4. Using Amber to get to Kj? Using Kj to get to Amber? I don't understand why people have to make preposterous ideas into other's mind. Why must people think that I am a bad person? What have I done that makes people hate me? I would never do such things to the people that mean so much to me! First off, I do not know how you would see that. I want to know how you see that I would use one or the other to get to the other one. To all yall haters, I am confused -_-
Lately I've been having pains in my heart, not emotional pain but actually physical pain. I do not know what it is from but I'm pretty sure it because of me being malnutritious. I just do not feel as hungry anymore and I know that it is affecting my health but lately i just do not care anymore. I just don't. There has been so much stress, school, drama, love, friendship that has gotten in the way that sometimes I do not know what to do anymore.
Life... is it something scared or is it something that can be just there? I've been thinking that a lot and sometimes I do want this life to be over, Sometimes its just to much for me, and back to the one above, I am sorry Amber. I promised you that I would stop thinking of negative thoughts but its too late, I started thinking of them again. Recently on an adventure we passed by Leo's Grandmother's grave and only until then was when I realized how important a person can be in your life without you knowing it. How much impact did I really have on a person? Aren't I just an invisible person that wouldn't even be noticed if gone. Jokingly I was talking about this with Amber and it was when I told her when I almost fell off the bluff. and she was jokingly say about how no one probably would of noticed it until hours later. But thats how it all started on me thinking WHO? who would actually miss me? who would actually notice if i was gone? Sometimes when I think of skydiving, sometimes I think of what would happen if I never pulled my parachute and just end it there. Its a hard topic for me, Every time I think of it, i actually start to cry (like right now). Its something that just really hard to talk about.
New topic! I am on the verge of quitting track because I suck at it, I could care less that it is a social event. I am a super anti social person and why would I want to go to a sport that i could care less for it and in which i just do not want to see people at all? To me track is a useless sport. I am also on the verge of doing the disconnection between Amber and I, Sure it didn't work but maybe it will work a second time.
Second chances are what I believe in. Everyone deserves a second chance. No matter what you did, you deserve a second chance because maybe it was a mistake the first time and that way you can fix what you did. Sometimes Kj sometimes i wished I had gotten "the second chance" to prove to you the first time was a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again. But i never got it and ...Nevermind I cant talk about this.
Rascal Flatts! The best band ever to have come out of history! They are the only ones who songs actually touched my heart and they mean so much to me. All of their songs are so deep!
Lately i've been having a void in my life and i realize its not because of a specific action that someone did but it was because I have no one to talk about it to. You see, the people I used to talk to about my problems were Kj, Madison and Amber but slowly I pushed them away and now I am left alone and I just dont have anyone to help me with my problems anymore. It is like when I pushed them away the void in my world got bigger and bigger.
After all this time, I realized (part of why I do not want to post this to the public to see) that I just want to make out with girls and sometimes not be in a relationship with them. Well some of them I do but I like making out with girls. Hmm I wonder how good of a kisser I am, I know for a fact that every time I make out with someone that they obviously judge right away but I kinda wanna know about this actually. So if you have any insights let me know :P
Prom, the most hyped up dance of a high school career. Its where everything happens. This year I wanted prom to be something special but as the days roll on as there is exactly 1 month and one day left before prom starts. I wanted it to be with someone that i actually cared a lot for but as it moves closer and closer to the date I find that the people that I "thought" I cared for either don't care enough anymore or because someone else is going after them. As i have said earlier, I am not a mean/bad person overall so I tend to stay away from those people. What am I going to do, the person that I had orginally in mind from the beginning of the year, well my best friend has a thing for her and I don't want to upset him by asking her to prom, even though I do want to since it was something I thought about last year and this year but as expected I probably will not be able to ask her. Sad moment :/
I have come to realize that if the rate that our friendship is going, you will not be in the future outside of high school. I can see that you just slowly push me away and thats ok. I mean there only what 2 months of school left and you want to do that then fine by me. You wont see me in your college life ever. I wanted to stay friends with you and keep in close contact with you considering we are only an hour away but as you push more and more, the likely hood of me being in your future gets smaller and smaller and smaller till one day there will be no more me left with you. If thats the way you want it then fine keep at it cause you are doing a great job at it as well.
Still living
Steven
