Merry Christmas

I just want to post a shout out everyone out there. 



Because Happy Holiday is what the terrorist want you to say :D
Hope everyone out there is having a safe and wonderful Christmas spending with the people they love and the ones that mean the most to them.

Have a great holiday

Steven :)

suicide.

Suicide. The ending of one's life and the beginning of another. This happens when the person can no longer bear the pain of what ever they are going through. Thus choosing the "easy" way out is the only way for them to go. A quick exit from life, no respawn, no redo. But when does the pain ever become enough to point that life cannot be lived once more?

I personally have been down this road. Suicide does not just come out of nowhere. It starts off from one small thing and slowly but surely builds up. For me it started simply because I had to move schools. Transferring schools as a little child can be very tough especially when you transfer into a world between elementary school and middle school. It started as that and then I could not make friends like I wanted to, instead I got the opposite of that. I got myself a bully that would always pick on me because of the color of my skin and the lack of muscle that I had upon my body. This went on for a couple of grades but the bullies, they came and went but as soon as one went, another one would come and pick on me for something else. Around this time my depression started, I was lost in a new school where no one wanted me to be there. A world where I would get picked on. I would come home all scarred and bruised up from getting picked on. 

Things soon got better once middle school came around, I was able to start over and try once more to become friends with people that I wanted to be friends with. Seventh grade happened. By mid semester of that year I was enjoying myself once again without the worries of bullies. I was happy for the first time at school since coming to this city. Seventh grade and 8th grade were interesting years for me and do most middle school kids realize. It had its up and downs. Some days were better than others and sometimes I had a horrible month but it was because of the friends that were there that made it better. 

Everything was going great until the end of 8th grade going into freshman year. One thing lead to another and everything just spiraled out of control for me. First it was the thought of having to move again but this time it wasn't just going to be another city in the state, not even with in the continent but the idea of having to move across the world to the other hemisphere; Australia.  It started as that then my parents started to argue all the time so the mood at home was not always the best to come home to. Since my parents start arguing, I too eventually started to argue with them as well. It could of been something so simple as to go to a friends house for a little bit but then it would get worse and worse. This time I had falling into a depression that was at its worse. Its one thing to be unhappy at school but when you become unhappy with your home life, things start to go downhill. I slowly become more and more unhappy at school and my friends would start to realize this and me as being a person that does not share his emotions to anyone just pushed them away. The more I tried to push them away, the more they would push back and tried to help me. 

At the time when it was at it worse, I would be thinking about suicide day in and day out. One simply thing could end my life. A car going just as fast as you in the opposite way, all I had to do was swerve just a little and there goes. The amount of firearm in the house would be able to easily end my life. It was just so hard to live everyday being depressed and unable to do anything. Nothing was going well. The "depression cloud" soon affect my schooling and the things I liked to do. The only thing it couldn't take was my swimming. Even if I wanted to quit, I wasn't allowed to as no one gave me a choice to quit. 

During this time I met amazing friends that would help me get through this. Three people come to mind whenever this topic ever come up. They tried their hearts out to protect me, to help me, to get through the troubled times. Without the help of them who knows if I would have been here today.

But enough about me and my not so great story, throughout the years I have come to know peole that were like me and have gone through the exact same thing. They soon became my best friends and as I was able to conquer my depression, so were they. We were able to help one another get out something that was so dangerous that if one of us was successful then all of them would have been successful as well. It took the strength of love, the will to go on, friends, and ultimately you knowing that there will be better times that was able to get me out of this.

Hope you are still alive
Steven :)

Some unfinished post, post

She will always be loved. This might be the final post about her. I think I've fought this losing battle long enough. Nothing will ever happen anyways so why bother. I think I have accepted it. Not that we even talk anymore or even acknowledge that we were even friends at all. Im just a spec of dust that has blown past never to be seen. She will always have a place in my heart no matter what happens. Not only will it be her, her whole family too. And speaking of families my 7 year best friend and her family will always a spot in my heart too. Ill always love them(:

Love. Love and kindness. I think these are the two emotional feelings that I have down.  I have never liked to see any of my friends to be anything happy. The other day I was at a friends party and there, there was a girl who was getting picked on and not going to lie I had my fair shares of making fun of her. I was told all the bad things about her but none of the good things about her. Later that night her and I had a talk for a couple hours while I tried to help keep her warm as she was freezing. I even offered the blanket spot that I had to her just so she could be happy. A girl that I knew for just about a day. I still just wanna cuddle someone. Meh!

Forever alone?

In 9 minutes, I will be here for three months. In these three months, I can say I have done almost nothing. I have spent my time just doing nothing pretending to make friends but in the end I have made none. I can sum up my three months into just a couple words: Sleep, School, gaming. I can say that slowly I'm starting to talk less and less to people and become more and more isolated. On the brighter side of things, I changed roommates and now him and I get along quite nicely. Besides making sure we go to class, all we do is League of Legends together. Right now my sitting in the lounge with three of the "closest" friends here. I wish I knew more people here. The people here aren't the people that I would be friends with. I think the worse are the people from Kappa Psi. They always think that they are better than all of us. They just make it sound exactly like I would of pictured them to be, just big douches. I wish I had more friends here. 

Forever alone

Steven

College stress part one

Its 3:51 am as I write this post out. I just need to clear my head. Something just isnt right, I cant seem to get enough sleep anymore. My mind just wanders off into weird places.

I miss shako, I never thought I would say this but I actually miss the people from home. I miss my group of friends that I got to be with. I miss the people that made my life just so enjoyable. Here I havent really found anyone like that. But this is a bigger issue for me. There is this girl that for some reason cannot leave my head. Can someone help me figure out why? We were the best of friends and now, well now we just arent anything anymore but she is the person that I miss the most. I dont understand my mind. She is like the perfect girl. Whoever you are that gets her, well you sir are one extremely lucky guy. I know I have no chance with her anymore. She probably has moved on from me but sadly I wish I could fix my wrongs wkth her and try this all over again. I was stupid.

That alone is a huge issue. Maybe thats why I want a girlfriend so bad. Maybe its my mind trying to tell me that thats how I leave her. But until I am able to find a girl that actually likes me, forever alone, if that could ever happen than ill be glad.

Pretty sure I still love you

Steven

I'm Lonely

7 weeks ago, I moved into this school. 7 weeks ago, my life changed. Now Im just a college kid that just trying to find his place upon this world. Eighth floor Thompson Hall is where I will be. Eighth floor and 9th floor are the only floors that I have friends in. Actually these 2 floors are the only friends I have. I feel so alone in this place.  I have yet to find my place here. Everyone seems to have made some great friends and me, well that's a different story. I haven't found anyone that i can relate to or anyone that I can call my best friend because of how much we are alike. Sure I have made some fends but will those friends be there for me when I need them the most. Will they be like the friends from back home? I wish there was someone here from home :(

I'm Alive Post

Tomorrow marks the 4th week in college. This life has been so much more different than I thought. So much has changed since I have came here. But before I write about that, there is something that I have to talk about before college. The final month of summer, so much happened that I can say I do not feel to proud of. By the end of the summer I ended up fitting the stereotype of a bad guy. I just wanted to have fun but in the end for me to have the "fun" i wanted, I sacrifice some of my friends. I feel like I messed everything up back home. The close friends back home that I had, just aren't even friends anymore. What I did was horrible and consequently I deserved this. I just hope that I day they will forgive me.

I don't want to talk about that anymore, lets move on to the college life. I came here scared, scared that I would not make friends but thanks to living on the pharmacy floor i have made some great fiends so far. Even though I have made some great friends I still miss some of my old friends that have been there for me even when i mess things up. Life isn't too shabby right now but who knows what the future brings for me. This was just a short post that i wanted to write, just so people know im still alive.

Until next time
The Secret Azian Man

Friends

Today we are graduates. Tomorrow..? We ended one journey in our lives and have now closed the door but the saying goes " As one door closes, another opens." Our lives at Shakopee High School is now over. The memories sealed away in a vault to never be tampered nor touched again. In just a few months many of us will be heading off to far off places to do extraordinary things. Most of us will be heading off to college in afar places. What will we become in these places. The friends here have made the journey oh so wonderful. Some of these friends we call our best friends but too many times I have seen it happen that they leave as best friends and come back nothing. Where will we be a year from now when school has ended for most people in their first year at college? Will you still have the same best friend that you did before you left? Will you still be friends with them at all? It is a scary thought to think about in just a few months, our lives will be changed. The people we hang out with, the friends we have and ultimately who we are. To my close friends, Lets not lose contact with one another and hopefully we still are best friends when we meet again next summer :D

Steven

The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives

Today was the last day of high school for many people. Today we say goodbye to the class of 2012. Everyone is so excited for it all to be over. After we came home from a track meet one night, it hit me. The last few days that I ever will be here competing for this team, creating memories and making amazing friends.  As I walk through the high school school, through the empty hallways and the empty classrooms, I reminisce of all those time I sat in those chairs and walked down the halls. I think back on the people that were there for me most. But most of all I think of how much things have changed from when I got here until now. How much my friends have changed and how much my life has changed. Changed for the better I feel like. Not only were there memories of my high school career at the high school but also at the Junior High; The place where I played my sports. From the long winter season all cooped up inside a pool to the outdoors of the treacherous weather of track season. I am actually going to miss high school. Life is all but a third done already. The childhood years are over now. These next feel months are where we see who are friends really were and which friends we decide to keep and hold close to us.

Summer is upon us now and like many others, I'm so glad that it is finally here. The rest of our lives are upon us now. Summer, the finally time we can all be together one last time/ one last hurraw before we all head off to college. This summer i just wanted to do one thing but now that one thing will not even happen much sadly. I just was not expecting this to happen so soon. I wasn't ready for this routine to happen. I was expecting to be able to be there every couple days and just let the world go by because life would always be perfect. Seriously though, right now with her by my side, I feel like life is complete. I feel like she is that person that we all wait to find, the person that you know you love and would do anything for. The person that makes you go giddy on the inside every time you see them. I know that it may seem weird to some people because we have only been dating for a couple weeks, yes weeks not months nor years but the thing is, I have been chasing and crashing at times to be with her. I just hope that even though we have a slight visitation problem that it does not interfere with anything or any plans.

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.
Steven :D
P.S.


Amber Louise:) I like the relationship that we have. We are just like best friends but we have an extra part of the friendship that makes us boyfriend/ girlfriend. That's just the way I like it. College, the hardest part of a relationship is college. For me to want to be with her, we first need to pass through college. Once I pass college and stay with her, then i can be with her for a long time. She is like the perfect girl that I never thought I could have. She super smart especially in math ;) Not only is she smart, she is also very gorgeous! If you have ever looked in her eyes, you would see that sparkle in her eyes. Her brown eyes that make you melt inside whenever I look and makes me want to be with her just a little bit more. Then when she smiles, you cannot help but to smile back at her. Just seeing her smile makes your day just a little bit better. She has one of those smiles that makes your day better when your day isn't the greatest. Besides being gorgeous and smart she also has such a fantastic personality. She has changed me without knowing it. She has been like a small role model for me. How can one be so kind, so smart and yet be a good child? She help stride me to become a better person as well. For me to be a good person that didn't have to do stupid things to have friends. She helped me see that your closest friends are the ones that accept you for just the way you are even if there are flaws. She has helped me some much more that she probably knows. Not only did she make me just a better person and a better friend, she has helped me when I needed the most, when people started to disappear, she stayed by my side and helped me get through my depression. The time where I just wanted to not be seen or heard. The time where life just seem so stupid. The time where life almost ended for me. She was one of the few that took the time to help me get better, to make sure I did not do anything stupid. She is more amazing than she give herself credit for. She may not think that she is anything special but she is definitely special to me. She is one of those people I do not want to see gone in my life. I would become lost without her. The girl of my dreams, actually mine. I thought catching the dream girl and living happily ever after only happens in movies.


you found the secret post.
Steven  :D

Quick Post about future

As my time here in MN start to simmer down, I wonder how things will be next year. I'm so nervous about what going to happen as well as excited at the same time. I have a small crack of a clue of what I want to do when I grow up. The people here, I'm going to miss so many of them. Next year is going to be a test of friendship for me especially since I have a hard time as it is to keep in touch with people that I do not see for a while but before I get into that I wanted to talk about this year first. There is a little over a month left and senior slack has been in full drive for a long time now. There are so many friends here that I know that I will miss. One of them is going to be at UND which is roughly 45 minutes away but still :./If I never come visit then we probably will not see each other at all. Another is heading off to Normandale which is smart but I probably won't see them again until the end of the school year next year :( I just don't like the idea of all my friends heading off into different directions. It just makes me sad knowing that in a couple months I won't see many of these people anymore.

Hopefully I don't lose many friends
Steven

Boobs:D

Today was the first day I started watching Dance Academy and to be honest its not that bad of a show. I kind of like the drama that is in this movie. Then again, I am like a chick when it comes to movies but I don't care, I like the drama that these shows have. It makes me think less and its able to get me thinking of something else. Today's topic? Boobs! The big question among guys, ass or boobs and while most would say ass, this kid is definitely a boob person. I just find that boobs are way more entertaining then butts. Just like I like short people I also like smaller boobs, the ones that are just the right size to hold and not big ones. Big boobs don't seem to excite me as much. Without clothes on big boobs aren't so great but the nice small boobs are awesome! I have no idea why I am writing this at all. This isn't probably something that should get posted so it might be one of those non posted drafted ones that I allow certain people to read. Boobs boobs boobs! C cup, i thought were my favorite but after minor research cough I realize that they are just as bad as D cups. B cups are where they are at. At that size everything seems to be more proportionate and it just makes the girl look way better.3 girls I dated had some sort of this cup 3 of the 7 mainly because I do not know the others. I do not think this is a coincidence that it was like this. I seem to like short girls that have boobs that I can hold. Not only that I like girls that have great personalities. That is a HUGE must, after I decide that they have a good personality or not then comes the beauty. Beauty not from the outside but beauty from the inside. Beauty that you cannot see but only can feel. You feel like you are a better person when you around them, the feeling that they are the only thing in the world and would do anything for them. Beauty from the outside is just a small part of it but by being able to see the beauty of the inside then you can see from all around and that is what makes a relationship even better. thus you would be able to last longer and be happier. I never look for a girl for a short term relationship. I look for someone that I actually want to be with for a long time, that's the reason why whenever I break up with someone or vice versa it hurts a little more than it should. Three years ago was the first time I had a true decision to make that would affect how I was today. I was just a little boy that didn't know much about pain. I made the wrong decision, the decision that I actually regretted. I chose someone that was more sexually open than someone that I cared about way more. Every once in a while I wonder how we would be right now if I didn't make such a stupid decision. Would we still be friends? How close would we have been. and  Why was I such an idiot?

If Anyone Could Answer These, That Would Be Great
Steven

Plain Short and Simple

I Love You.

Until she figures out..
Steven

I LOVE bubbles! (:

LOVE. What is love? The question that I have been contemplating for the longest time. How would someone describe love? Before it was that feeling that was indescribable but if it is not describable then how does one know when they experience it? 


Tonight I experienced a different kind of love. When Love is brought up in a sentence usually it is either joking love or "true love"  I would describe this love as a friend but could be more friend love. A platonic love is what it would be called. I have this love for her and it is obvious that I love her and she will always have a special place in my heart. She doesn't know this but each time we show affection towards one another, it actually really helps me. It's a lot harder to explain why or how but its like how one may say sometimes the chase is better than the catch but in my case it would be the other way around. OOOOOOOOO LIGHTING!!!!! ..and THUNDER!!!!! THUNDDDDDDDDDDDDRRRRRRRRRRR. ok Im done now. It helps bring closure on one area. but


OMG her lips! they are to die for, She has these lips that are always so tempting. There are not too big where it's like look at me I want attention lips nor are they the lips that are not there. She has the perfect size lips for teasing people with. She is an interesting woman in my life. She helps me "try" new things, things that are out of my comfort zone. She makes me try new things. Tonight was a different night, tonight we did something that was done before but as said earlier they help bring closure on a chase that I went on for many years. 


I had/have/had? this thought for the longest time that when you, im going to use the word "butterfly" because it is a synonym for this word, but I had the mentality that when you butterfly more than twice, it was like you were using them or vice versa because it was like one wanted a relationship and the other different. What I never considered was the fact that maybe neither party wants to be in a relationship and that the feeling they have with each other was mutual. Now everything has changed and I do not know what to think. 


Which brings me to my next topic, Kissing. Kissing is something that has been around for hundreds of years dating back to the roman period. When I think of kissing, usually the first thing that comes to mind is love but some times there is no love upon it but little did you know, kissing does more than show passion towards one another. First off, If you kiss for more than 3 minutes it helps fight stress and it effects. The longer the kiss is the better because longer kiss trigger the chain of biochemical reactions which destroy stress hormones.So kissing is a great stress reliever and not only that it is great for the self esteem as well. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind. When you give a person a smooch, you use 2 facial muscles but when you kiss someone then you are using all 30 facial muscles and help bring blood flow to the face which results in a smoother more pretty face. Lastly and my favorite one, kissing reduces anxiety and stop the "noise" in your mind resulting in a more calm and peaceful person. This is my favorite because if you have read the other post you would know that I sometimes suffer from depression and this is a great method to help overcome it. Here are some other facts you might not know. 

• Long kisses are beneficial to the circulatory system. When kissing, your pulse rate is quickening up to 110 beats per minute. This is a great training for our cardiovascular system. 
• The lungs are kissing are worked harder resulting in 60 inhales per minute compared to the regular 20 inhales a minute. This results in preventive measure against lung disease. 
• While kissing, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Inside the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain. 
• Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don't.
• Kissing burns 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. By kissing for at least 20 seconds a day 3 times a day, you can lose an extra pound.
• Kissing can cure the headache and lastly they can cure hiccups as well! 

Who knew that kissing could do so much. It make sense though because every time it was done, I felt so much better and it got me out of my mood into a more happy mood. They produce endorphin and are a great stress reliever as well as a pain reliever. But what a kiss helps me the most, is the feeling that someone out there cares for me. It makes me feel like I actually am not the only one out there. 

Sometimes I just need to kiss someone and i LOVE bubbles!(;

Steven.

Why?

You spin my head right round right round. That's how I feel about you. I know how you feel about me already but to be honest, I do not really care, I will always love you a lot. You are the only person that I've met that I would actually sacrifice my own health in order to keep you happy. Never had I felt that way about a person. This weekend just adds more and more to the confusion I have with you. Too many times this weekend, I almost kissed you but somehow I was able to hold it back. I really do not want it to be awkward between us, so I "hide" my true feelings for you. I rather be in love with you and be your best friend, then not your friend at all. I love you a lot!

I seriously do not know what to do with myself. What am I going to do when I do not get to see you in a few months. I'm going to be so lost without you there. I feel like college will be interesting and it will be very difficult for me on the friend side of things. :/

God, you have no idea how much I want to be with you. I try so hard to do it but at the same time not super hard to the point where its creepy. Even though I have no idea what it feels like exactly, I feel like the wolf when it imprints on a female. Thats exactly how I feel about you. No matter how hard I ry to get you out of my mind, you just stay their longer and longer. No matter how many times I tell myself"It will never happen and no matter what I do, You stay in my mind. I just want to be with you. I just do. Knowing that I probably will never be with you is like having like blades shooting into my heart,slowing killing me from the inside. :/

Confused as much as a person can be
Steven

An Interesting Friend

So there is this girl(actually there is 2)..yes I know you guys are surprised :P Anyways, there is this girl that I've known for I want to say 4 years now. Wow its been a long time that I have known you. Well this is just like any girl out there. She drives me crazy sometimes, not the crazy like stay away crazy but the other crazy. She is this little ball of energy that say the most random things sometimes. You know, for me at least I look for a girl that smart and gorgeous. There are very few out there that are like that and once you find someone like that you have to keep them as much as possible.But this girl, well we develop a friendship, a bond that I cannot describe in words. Its a super strong best friendship bond, sure there were days when it was rough but we were able to overcome that and now on this day, i feel like we are more closer now as friends that we have ever been before. I enjoy the bond that we have, it is something special. Sometimes I wish that we could be more than friends. Every time we hang out, I have the urge to kiss her but I don't. I don't because all she wants is to be friends.

Maybe someday Ill figure this out I Love her
Steven

cant handle it anymore

There are some nights when I wish i had alcohol and so that i can drink till there no end. Drink away the pain of reality. Sometimes I just cannot handle it. Sometimes i just do not know what to do anymore. No one to really talk about my problems with, and its not like any of these are serious problems at all but in my head they are. If i would have to compare my problem with something it would be like a skinny girl seeing herself not so skinny kind of problem. Drinking my problems away, I'm on my last thread with this stuff, sometimes I just have to say goodbye to it all.

I'm Sorry :(

There so much I want to write about in this blog, hopefully I can remember it all to write it all out.

1. I have decided once again that you, you are a very confusing person to say the least. I do not know at all where I stand with you. Yesterday at the movies I was joking with you but some of that ended up not being a joke at all. Some of it was actually for real. One of the question I asked was "would you go out with me?" and you said maybe. Maybe?!? What is this? Is that suppose to be a joke or was it a serious answer? Sometimes I wonder about it. Recently we were talking about the old times, I HATE bringing it up because breaking up with you was the worst mistake I've ever made. The only thing I have ever regretted. I mean that still haunts me to this very day. Why can't you just make it simple for me? Why? Life would be so much better if you did thanks :P

2. Everytime I start flirting with you, it just hurts a little inside me. Knowing that my best friend is going after you and I cannot do anything about it because you have your heart set on him. I die just a little on the inside every time. I thought by dating another person, I could get over you or by saying that i am over you could get over you but I was wrong. I'll just keep telling myself that and eventually I will be over you right? right.

Hmm At this rate I am just going to rant about everything and make this the biggest blog post I have had.

3. Hmm What am i suppose to say now. i know how one person feels and i know how the other person would feel about it. After yesterday i realized that I miss making out with someone. Sadly i have to come to realize that  i will probably not be able to do that again with this person. To be honest it was really fun and i would like to do it again. I have such a weird feeling on this subject, I feel bad because of the information that i knew but at the same time...I don't urg! We need to talk about this soon!

4. Using Amber to get to Kj? Using Kj to get to Amber? I don't understand why people have to make preposterous ideas into other's mind. Why must people think that I am a bad person? What have I done that makes people hate me? I would never do such things to the people that mean so much to me! First off, I do not know how you would see that. I want to know how you see that I would use one or the other to get to the other one. To all yall haters, I am confused -_-

5. Amber, I'm sorry.

Lately I've been having pains in my heart, not emotional pain but actually physical pain. I do not know what it is from but I'm pretty sure it because of me being malnutritious. I just do not feel as hungry anymore and I know that it is affecting my health but lately i just do not care anymore. I just don't. There has been so much stress, school, drama, love, friendship that has gotten in the way that sometimes I do not know what to do anymore.

Life... is it something scared or is it something that can be just there? I've been thinking that a lot and sometimes I do want this life to be over, Sometimes its just to much for me, and back to the one above, I am sorry Amber. I promised you that I would stop thinking of negative thoughts but its too late, I started thinking of them again. Recently on an adventure we passed by Leo's Grandmother's grave and only until then was when I realized how important a person can be in your life without you knowing it. How much impact did I really have on a person? Aren't I just an invisible person that wouldn't even be noticed if gone. Jokingly I was talking about this with Amber and it was when I told her when I almost fell off the bluff. and she was jokingly say about how no one probably would of noticed it until hours later. But thats how it all started on me thinking WHO? who would actually miss me? who would actually notice if i was gone? Sometimes when I think of skydiving, sometimes I think of what would happen if I never pulled my parachute and just end it there. Its a hard topic for me, Every time I think of it, i actually start to cry (like right now). Its something that just really hard to talk about.

New topic! I am on the verge of quitting track because I suck at it, I could care less that it is a social event. I am a super anti social person and why would I want to go to a sport that i could care less for it and in which i just do not want to see people at all? To me track is a useless sport. I am also on the verge of doing the disconnection between Amber and I, Sure it didn't work but maybe it will work a second time.

Second chances are what I believe in. Everyone deserves a second chance. No matter what you did, you deserve a second chance because maybe it was a mistake the first time and that way you can fix what you did. Sometimes Kj sometimes i wished I had gotten "the second chance" to prove to you the first time was a mistake and that it wouldn't happen again. But i never got it and ...Nevermind I cant talk about this.

Rascal Flatts! The best band ever to have come out of history! They are the only ones who songs actually touched my heart and they mean so much to me. All of their songs are so deep!

Lately i've been having a void in my life and i realize its not because of a specific action that someone did but it was because I have no one to talk about it to. You see, the people I used to talk to about my problems were Kj, Madison and Amber but slowly I pushed them away and now I am left alone and I just dont have anyone to help me with my problems anymore. It is like when I pushed them away the void in my world got bigger and bigger.

After all this time, I realized (part of why I do not want to post this to the public to see) that I just want to make out with girls and sometimes not be in a relationship with them. Well some of them I do but I like making out with girls. Hmm I wonder how good of a kisser I am, I know for a fact that every time I make out with someone that they obviously judge right away but I kinda wanna know about this actually. So if you have any insights let me know :P


Prom, the most hyped up dance of a high school career. Its where everything happens. This year I wanted prom to be something special but as the days roll on as there is exactly 1 month and one day left before prom starts. I wanted it to be with someone that i actually cared a lot for but as it moves closer and closer to the date I find that the people that I "thought" I cared for either don't care enough anymore or because someone else is going after them. As i have said earlier, I am not a mean/bad person overall so I tend to stay away from those people. What am I going to do, the person that I had orginally in mind from the beginning of the year, well my best friend has a thing for her and I don't want to upset him by asking her to prom, even though I do want to since it was something I thought about last year and this year but as expected I probably will not be able to ask her. Sad moment :/

I have come to realize that if the rate that our friendship is going, you will not be in the future outside of high school. I can see that you just slowly push me away and thats ok. I mean there only what 2 months of school left and you want to do that then fine by me. You wont see me in your college life ever. I wanted to stay friends with you and keep in close contact with you considering we are only an hour away but as you push more and more, the likely hood of me being in your future gets smaller and smaller and smaller till one day there will be no more me left with you. If thats the way you want it then fine keep at it cause you are doing a great job at it as well.


Still living
Steven

too little too late

These last couple months have been very interesting to say the least.Besides the whole dating idea and the high school drama, I was able to learn a little bit about who my close friends are and who really is there for me when i need it. 

Some many times this year I have been accused of playing one person or another. First off it was "your just using Amber to get back to Kj and then later it was your just using Kj to get to Amber. Was I really doing that? I've decided to just leave them both alone and let life go on. Its obvious that none of us were meant to be together and I am just going to leave it that way. 

Running at 8

Today I went on a run to think some more. I know I know, you probably are sick of me talking/venting/ranting on the same old thing over and over, well too bad (: On this run of mine, I thought of you again and where we stand. Not only that I thought of stars and of cuddling :P Then I thought of the void that you have left me with to figure out how to heal. It all came to me roughly 2 miles into it, Yes I am a very slow runner. I've decided that I NEED you in my life,even thought it could be nothing more but as a best friend. I NEED someone to talk to when things are down and when things are at their low. I NEED someone to be there for me when I really need it and  I realized that you have been there for me, you have helped me so much. I now realize that I need you more than you really know.

After that I thought about stars and how we have very few stars in here. I just want to lay out there with you and just talk about life. I enjoy talking about life because it really helps me with my mind and how my life is truly going. Knowing that there is someone out that that is willing to listen to me and elaborate how I feel. I just want to hold on to someone knowing maybe that you aren't mine but that I truly care for you and I don't know what I would of done without you in my life. Sometimes I feel as though I would never of been here if it wasn't for you. So many times you were able to calm me down and stop me from doing something soo stupid that I could of ended my life. So many times.... I dont know how often I get to tell you this but truly from the bottom of my heart: Thank You. I never knew how I deserved a friend like you, sometimes I feel like you are too good to have a friend like me. A person that never seem to do anything right and just always fails at life. A person that could never been a good of a friend to you. I never understood how you were able to handle me sometimes but you did and I applaud you. You mean so much to me and I NEVER want to lose you in my life.

Thank You for saving me

Steven

What do I do now?

Why do I feel this emptiness inside of me? I have accepted the fact that no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever changed between you and I. What you said had got me wondering about things, you said " I just could not see myself waking up next to you in the morning." who really ever has that planned out though? I feel like it always start small and gets bigger and bigger as it goes. Now back on topic, like I said i have accepted the fact that I will "like" you and that your feelings about me probably will not change no matter how hard I try. Now I just try to be the best friend that I can be to you. When I am doing my job as a best friend, most of the time I could care less if it hurts me more or not because I care for other people's happiness more than my own. Now that she has this all figured out, maybe its my turn to do so as well. Its my turn to try to move on and "get a life." but maybe...maybe its too late.

I don't think you can control how you feel about someone. Maybe you can try to keep yourself from getting attached, but lets face it. Once you fall, you're trapped. A part of you will always linger on and think about the person even when you are doing it unconsciously 

Can I just have you for one more time? Please? :D 

Second chance

I know this may sound hypocritical but... to be honest i really truly love you, like I haven't fought this hard for anyone. Sure i know that you may feel different about this but everyone deserves a second chance to figure things out. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't. Who knows, Things are meant to happen in twos so a second chance is something i feel like i should get. This time maybe it will work and if it does then yeah:D but if it doesn't we dont even have to see each other anymore after this and we can go along with being friends and knowing that it was not if it was not meant to be. I told you in person that i would not sway your thoughts one way or another but in writing i said nothing. Its just so hard to speak when you know that you want something else, that you passion for something else. Its just so hard to go on knowing that maybe if you tried just a little bit harder that you might actually get somewhere with what you want. just MAYBE. Maybe there is a chance of it and maybe not but i feel like now i just say maybe too much.

There are things that i just never say to the person for it may cause them to be awkward. But this may be my last chance to say anything at all. Now I'll just say what I was too scared to say before.
Surely you may not know this but you have been the only person to put a smile on my face when i am down and you wouldn't even have to say anything at all. When we were going out, that was the best month I have ever had, maybe not for you, but for me it was amazing. After the whole thing ended, it was like there was a void of emptiness that i couldn't fill with anything. I just didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Sometimes I do not understand why i still chase after you even though knowing that i would be the one to suffer the most out of this. Sadly i think of you constantly, I do not know how to get you out of my head. Sometimes i feel like its not a bad thing at all.

I got the perfect idea now! This may sound very stupid but, maybe we should just start hanging out again, watching movies, catching up on old tv shows, and from there on out whatever happens happens. One final run for it or done. I just want things to be like they were last year (:

  Honestly I cannot see you not in my life.

Positive thinking

Today I was told to think more positively. Today I told myself that I should change. This could be a hard road to go through but probably will help me a lot. You know, recently I feel like everything I say and anything I do, I feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Maybe it is just me but thats how I feel. I mean without even thinking about it, I questioned my best friend >.< how stupid of me to do. It wasn't even on purpose, it just happened. I just feel really bad now. URG! Stupid me again. Like I said at the beginning of this post, thinking positive will be very hard to do. It was a good five or maybe more months since I've had this feeling but I can now say the streak has ended. I don't know how this came into my mind but it has. Positive thinking means thinking of the opposite of this so again i stand thinking of the negative.

Actually to be honest, i just want to cuddle with someone. Being alone isn't what i want. I just want to be loved.

Steven :D

The Friend Zone

Friend Zone : The area in which your best friend of the opposite gender does not want a relationship while you do.

For me, I feel like I am always in that zone. No matter where I go or who I am friends with, in the end that zone is where I fall into. Not by choice but because I am the "nice guy" thus puts me in the non-date-able zone. People always come to me with their problems and the main problem that most come to me for is that they cannot find a guy who is nice to them or someone that wont cheat on them or do bad things to them. Woman say that men are stupid and then they look to their best friend and say "oh not you, i mean the other men out there." Later they would complain about what stupid thing men have done. Sometimes the best thing is right in front of us but we are too blinded by whats out there that we do not see it at all. Friend zone, the worst zone possible to be in. Its almost like being let on by the other person and then to get crushed by them. Friend zone, I am sorry for everyone stuck there. I know how you feel

What next?

After this great trip, it got me thinking with the information that I found out. And it's really weird because I cannot express this with words how I feel actually. That night brought back so much memories from the previous year. It makes me miss being in a relationship and no lies if I could, I would do it all over again. Now though I'm scared actually, this hasn't happened before where I didn't have an idea of how it would work out. Being scared of commitment is huge and its a scary thought. Now only that, its close to the end of the year and I remember she said that she wasn't going to date anyone this year.

I just do not know what I'm going to do right now. I want to be with her but there are so many factor to be considered. I feel like the last time I was at this time of thought I rushed into being with her and look what happened because of that, it ended just as fast as it started. I want this to last as long as possible and maybe this time it's best to wait, which can either be really hard to say or it could be just like before. I would rather be her close best friend then no friend at all. I would wait until both of us are ready to make a commitment to each other if that time ever comes.

I don't know how I do this but I enjoy being her best friend and helping her solve her problems. I do not understand when people say that they cannot help the other person because they like them and the problem is love. I feel like if you're best friends with the person than love and trying to be with her shouldn't be you top priority but instead it should be making her happy and enjoying life. Then again I care more about others than I do of myself and so I would rather see happiness on others even it means that happiness doesn't belong on me because like I said earlier I would rather be best friends with her than be no friend at all.

Can love really exist or is it just one of those myth that people are suppose to believe. I kind of want to find out with this girl. I know that i like her a lot but I have no idea about how she feels. Woman are so confusing. Sure I had a huge crush on someone for a long time but this feeling is different. I mean I'm willing to wait for her, I would do anything for this chick. Is that normal at all?

I. will. wait.

More to come very soon
Steven

Life without you would be like a sky without a sun.

chickens go cluck cluck!...right?

This weekend has been one the greatest trips I have ever experienced in my life! I never knew so much could happen in just three days! We left on Friday in the afternoon and we got to JA grandparent's house, one of the most beautiful houses I've seen and it was so peaceful as well. Along the way up there we did some interesting things. In Eau Claire we saw life size models of Mater and Lighting McQueen from Cars! Afterward we made a condom balloon by using the car's velocity to blow up the condom and after it hit 70mph it exploded and pretty sure onto the car that was behind us and it decided to would follow us for the next 40 or so miles! Good thing we lost them because that could of been a bad moment.

That night though, everyone pulled an all-nighter and talked. I swear the conversation i had was the deepest conversation I had with someone ever! We talked about our friendship and how and what happened at these times. I think the coolest thing I learned from the conversation was the 4-2=1 :D I never knew that before. I feel the conversation was much needed and it helped improve our friendship overall. Things were meant to happen for a reason, some good some bad, without these events life would be boring and nothing would of been learned from it. The conversation also helped me find out a little more about what kind of person I actually am. Thank you so much          for a meaningful night!

The next day we headed out to The Kalahari, the largest indoor water park. Before we were there we  made a small pit stop to an outlet mall that was right across the street from it. There we decided to sit in the small kids ride, you know like the ice cream trucks and what not, that cost 25 cents or so. Afterward we went to the water park when it was finally open.  Although it was the largest water park, it was quite small when we were there. I can say that nothing really important pops into my mind. Afterward we headed back to Gma's house and played poker and Blackjack. Memories to be made right there!

The finally day we were there, we headed out to Devil's Lake in Barbados, such a beautiful place out there. We had a picnic and hiked up the bluff afterwards .On the way to the top we made some stops and climbed out onto the rocks, trees, penis looking rock formations, and cracks in the rocks that hung out of the cliff. After an hour or two later we reached the top, even though it could of been around a half hour walk. Three hours later we were able to make it up one side and down the other side and finally back to the starting point but those three hours were so much fun. Thus started our journey home.

So we decided that instead of taking the same direction home as we did coming here that we would take a more scenic route. We took a pit stop at Winona and from there went our separate ways. Everyone made it home safe and sound and can officially say that not a single wrong turn was made nor were we ever lost! That's more than I can say for the other car, which sadly took a wrong turn which cost them to be home an hour after my car and peeps!

This trip was by FAR! the best bonding trip I have ever been on! The bonding was probably what made this trip so spectacular and I feel like it was definitely needed to help get through with the rest of the year. We better do this again! :D and soon!!!!!!!!  I end this amazing weekend off with a quote I saw in J Grandparent's house as it fits this weekend:

I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be. I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way.

Disappear

Post 69! (; and i have hit 1500 views on this page!! :D Well it happens to be one of those times again when i question who my best friends really are. It seems lately that i really do not have many friends that actually care for me. Who are my real best friends and who are there pretending to be one. Lately it seems like i dont have any close friends. I have turned invisible in the schools. There are times when i just want to never come back to the high school since there isn't that cares for me to be there. Why go to a place where you are not wanted? Why be somewhere when you just are going to be ignored? WHY? Ive been drifting further and further away from everyone. It seems that track was a tough decision for me, to join or not to join. In high school people join groups that they feel like they belong to. I don't seem to belong to a group anymore. Everyone has gone their way and i was left behind.

Think of the last time we actually texted instead of just asking a question, and then tell me what kind of friends are we...

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never the same."

A New Beginning

This month has been an interesting month is friendships. You know how most people say goodbye to the ones they love once they leave, well it was the opposite my friendship with some people were revived!

The first one was someone that i dated for not too long, she was a wonderful person that we just lost what we had before, we talked but it was like for a minute nothing more. I just don’t understand her, no matter what she does i still have a crush on her and i just can’t get rid of it no matter how hard i try. Just one look and bam! I like her again. >.< I’m almost positive that she has moved on from me and it’s a little but i just got to do the same thing. I don’t want to lose her as a best friend either, so most of the time i just don’t think about it and be the best friend that i can be, even though it probably wouldn't be in my favor but a friend is better than nothing (:

She has this innocent vibe to her and it makes her just that much more attractive. College will be a different story.

The other person that i had a new beginning with was a girl i met a long long time ago, well five years ago, you see this girl and I have known each other for a very long time, and we were the best of friends but soon later we just stopped talking. I started to have a crush on her and you know i would try for her but rejection always came up so i told myself to get rid of it so i did. After Christmas, i remember telling myself; don’t know if i wrote this in a blog or not, that i can’t keep living my life trying over and over knowing that i would fail at it. So after Christmas i decided since she only wants a friendship then so be it, i completely went out of contact with her for the next month or so. Avoiding her as much as possible because i knew after a while with hanging with her feelings would start to return but now after reading some stuff, I’m pretty sure I am over her now. Friends be friends. Thus a couple nights ago we "renewed" our friendship. 

As I end this post I leave you with two quotes: 

People never know how special someone is until they leave, but maybe sometimes it’s important to leave, so they are given that chance to see how special that someone really is

Friendship is like a violin; the music may stop now and then, but the strings will last forever.

a best friend

A best friend is for a person that is there for me when i am down, a person that actually cares about me and likes me for who i am. Not a person that is only there on my good days but disappears when i need them the most. When i think of a best friend from all the friends i have i think of 2 people. One who is in college and one who go to the high school. And i think i might like her. Shes the one person that actually has been there when i was at my worse. She also has been there when i was at my best. She really doesn't judge...much. She actually likes me for who i am and doesn't want me to change unlike my other friends. She also gives the best hug ever! I wish i could write more about this but its hard to write about feelings >.<

HUGS!:D